becoming

postpartum.

2011-12-01T22:53:00.001-06:00

Postpartum hasn't been what I thought it would be. I thought the fact that we struggled to get pregnant was the hard part, and that when we finally were able to get pregnant, we'd have our baby and live happily ever after.

I don't even know that I gave much thought to anything concerning myself postpartum. I planned how the nursery would look and purchased the cutest outfits for Amos. I bought pretty pajamas for the hospital and spent time searching for nursing bras. I thought about our life as a family and how wonderful it would all be, but I never really considered what I would be like postpartum.

Even if I had considered it, I would never in a million years have been prepared for what really did happen.

What happened to me was something that happens to women in third world countries who don't have access to proper medical care when delivering their baby. It doesn't happen here.

So not only are there the normal ups and downs of a postpartum body and mind to contend with. I have to deal with a traumatic experience that occurred with it all.

I can hardly carry the load.

As a matter of fact, I'm buckling under it all right now.

I've tried to be strong and optimistic and even. I've been vigilant to watch for signs of depression sneaking up on me. I recognize them, the life-suckers and joy-robbers, from my past. I'm no stranger to their dark ways. As much as I've tried to fight them off, I haven't been able to squash them. I'm tired. I don't have the energy to keep up.

I went through surgery to repair the complications that occurred during childbirth. I managed a six week recovery during which I required round-the-clock assistance (no easy task for this introvert who likes to do things all by herself). I even went head to head with the guilt I feel over not taking Amos to have all sorts of pictures made or for not documenting every moment of his life thus far like I thought I would because of all of this.

And now? To top it all off, I'm going to need more time for recovery. I'm going to need physical therapy. I'm going to need emotional therapy to help me relax and work through this trauma.

It's just a lot to deal with.

What I have done is withdraw into my little family and give them the best that I have. Some days it isn't much, but I'm trying. I feel bad for it, but I've had to drop so much of my life because I don't have the strength to do it.

I am so incredibly proud of myself on days that I just get dressed. I try to cook occasionally. This week I finally folded about 20 loads of laundry that had overtaken our spare bedroom--laundry done by my husband, not me, mind you. He has really picked up the slack and taken care of me. I love him.

What has sucked the most energy out of me is trying to put on a happy face for everyone else. I'm embarrassed by what happened so I don't want to share details with people, but people don't understand the situation without the details so I feel like, either way, I'll be misunderstood. Therefore I have to just pretend like everything is perfect.

Don't get me wrong, everything with my little family is pretty perfect. Matthew is so supportive and loving. Amos is just pure sunshine to my soul. It's not that. It's the other.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in a bit of a dark spot right now and I'm wallowing. I'm really trying to get up and move on, but it's just difficult.

So yeah. Thank you Mrs. Postpartum Debbie Downer.

You're welcome.

some days just call for krispy kreme

2011-11-16T11:11:00.001-06:00

my breaking point.

2011-11-15T18:22:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally did it.

I joined Weight Watchers.

I was outside the other day playing with Brady and Amos when I had the moment. You know, the breaking point moment.

Brady was swinging and Amos and I were playing on the quilt I had spread out on the ground. We were on our backs looking up through the trees to the sky and looking at each other. I decided it was the prime opportunity to take some pictures to capture the moment. It was a perfect moment--cool, fall breeze; us on the quilt with toys strewn about; the sound of the swing chains squeaking; leaves falling.

Well, that perfect moment screeched to a halt when, after snapping a few pictures on my iphone, I scrolled through to review them. UGH. I was disgusted.

I just knew these pictures would be pretty decent. Granted I hadn't showered and I had a hat on, but still. I was lying on my back. On an episode of the Golden Girls, Blanche Devereaux said that to see yourself looking your best, lean back and hold the mirror over your face. That way gravity pulls all the wrinkles and rolls back and you look skinnier and better.

Um, well...if that's the case, I must look like a big fat cow standing upright.

I need to do this and I want to do this. I want to be healthy for my family so we can be active and play without me panting and gasping for breath. I need to lose weight so that I can be in a healthy weight range. If I lose weight I have a better chance of getting pregnant in the future. I definitely want that!

I want to look sexy for my husband. He thinks I'm beautiful and he tells me that all the time, but I want to reign this all in before I really let myself go completely. That's not fair to him or me.

I want to cook healthy meals so that we can be healthy as a family. Matthew wants to lose some weight, too.

So here we go. Let's do this!

I also signed up for emealz. They have a portion control dinner plan for two that calculates the points for you and everything. It's a no brainer. That is exactly what I need in order to do this.

just a swingin'

2011-11-14T22:13:00.001-06:00

Baby boy had his first park swing experience recently. He loved it! I didn't think he would be big enough to sit in the swing, but he sure showed me.

Brady was happy to show Amos how it's done. He just started swinging all by himself without someone pushing him so he's pretty proud.

After a round on the whatever-this-thing-is-called, everyone was ready for a nap, so we made our way back home.

Amos was so proud of himself. We had to show papa his new trick when he got home from work. Papa loved it!

Look at that baby boy delighting in his papa's pride!

on that note.

2011-11-10T08:48:00.000-06:00

Speaking of breastfeeding...I have mastitis.

I thought it was the flu. I've been feeling sickly for a few days, and complaining to Matthew about different symptoms. Yesterday I finally put it all together. Hopefully with a round of strong antibiotics, lots of rest, plenty of fluids, and round-the-clock nursing (in awkward positions) I'll be better before you know it. I hope so because this is really no fun.

Things that are fun, though, are as follows (because I need a little pick me up)...

I love this picture of the boy. He is so stinking cute! He has gotten over his aversion to tummy time and happily rolls and rolls all over the place.

Brady loves to go outside and swing. He has just recently learned how to swing without someone pushing him.

Sweet, sweet, happy baby.

Brady wanted to get in the crib with Amos so they could play. He wanted to "read" a book to Amos. Isn't that sweet? Amos loves his cousins.

I bought this for Amos's room last week at Christmas Village. I love it!

Matthew acting crazy while I'm trying to do my motherly duties.

Peppermint mocha frappuccino. Don't mind if I doooooooo. Tis the season!

on breastfeeding

2011-11-09T06:33:00.000-06:00

I was a little iffy going into breastfeeding. I don't come from a long line of breastfeeding mamas. In fact, the general feeling amongst my family is that it's kinda weird. Matthew, however, does come from a breastfeeding family. I had never even seen a mama nurse her baby until I saw his aunt doing it several years ago. I couldn't help but stare. It seemed so natural and beautiful. But then I felt embarrassed. I wondered why that was.

Our culture promotes a woman's body in every sexual way imaginable. We no longer have cable because even when we tried to steer away from inappropriate television shows and movies, we were still bombarded with commercials that showed way more skin that I wanted my husband seeing. Even driving down the interstate to take our son to the pediatrician we see a huge billboard for a gentlemen's club. It's everywhere. Why is it that people feel more comfortable watching tv shows or movies or seeing advertisements that show way more skin than I ever have or will show when breastfeeding? My conclusion is that a lot of people view a woman's breasts to be for sexual purposes only. So when we use them for utilitarian purposes, people get uncomfortable (myself included).

I always cover myself when I nurse Amos around people other than my husband. While I think breastfeeding is natural and beautiful, I still feel that modesty should be maintained. If I think that someone may be uncomfortable with it, I try to find a different place to feed him. In the end, though, when my baby is hungry I am going to feed him. After Amos was born I thought that I'd never be able to leave the house again until I weaned him. I've since gotten more comfortable with it and even nursed him at the park and, most recently, Christmas Village at the BJCC.

I think it is truly amazing that God designed our bodies to do this. Nothing comforts Amos like nursing. God knew it would be like that because he made us! I say that nursing "cures what ails him." Did you know that it releases hormones that not only calm and make your baby happy, but does the same for you as well? I think breastfeeding has helped me not have postpartum depression. I did get a little depressed after my surgery, but you know what was something that kept me going? Knowing that Amos needed me for nourishment every three hours, give or take.

Probably my most favorite thing about nursing is that only I can do it! Nobody else can feed my baby. Just me. That means he stays with me at all times. He doesn't spend the night or go for visits with others just yet. My mom hates that part! When I had my surgery and Amos had to take a few bottles (of pumped breastmilk), my mom jumped on feeding him before anyone else could even vocalize that they wanted to!

Also, I can comfort him like no one else can. My mom and sister think I need to get him out of that so that he can be tended to by others and not be spoiled. My thoughts are that he doesn't need to be tended to by others because he has his mama here to tend to him. And as for spoiling him--if cuddling and nurturing and holding and rocking and nursing and loving him are spoiling him...then go ahead and mark me as guilty! I have no intention of changing my ways, either.

**My four year old nephew, Brady, thinks I feed Amos from my "underpits."

3 things i love.

2011-11-08T06:03:00.000-06:00

1. that man.
2. that boy.
3. that picture.

more to come...

amos at 4 months.

2011-11-07T22:11:00.000-06:00

16 pounds

26 1/2 inches

hobbies:

nursing.

hangin' out on the changing table, smiling and talking to papa.

rolling around on the floor.

taking baths.

favorite toy:

sophie the giraffe.

recently:

you are teething and soaking through bibs with all your slobber.

you had a cold a couple weeks ago and are doing better now.

you go to bed between 6:30 and 8, wake up at 1-ish and then 4-ish,

and get up for the day at 7-ish.

you take a morning nap, afternoon nap, and early evening nap

with little catnaps throughout the day.

your sleep habits change when you are teething, and then only mama can settle you.

you went to nursery bible class for the first time a few

weeks ago (mama has been going with you).

you can grab your papa's glasses and snatch them off his

face quicker than he can move away.

you continue to be such a delight to us.

we love you so very much.

we fall more in love all the time.

*november 5 was four months. i'm a bit behind.

muffin tops and nursing bras.

2011-11-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

awkward new mama look

flowy top + cardigan + too snug jeans

There are two things that are really causing me to have to be creative with my wardrobe lately. They are as follows...

(1) the muffin top--

I lost all of my pregnancy weight by the time Amos was one week old. I didn't gain all that much. Both of those things would be cause for bragging more were it not for the fact that I am overweight to begin with. Even though I shed those pounds, my abdomen has been stretched by an almost ten pound baby. It's different. Real different.

Then I had to have surgery to repair a complication of childbirth when Amos was two months old. I managed to not get postpartum depression (I was very concerned that I would considering that I have a history of depression), but I ended up with a smidge of post-surgery depression. I sought comfort in oven s'mores and Orville Redenbacher caramel popcorn. I gained several pounds. It's embarrassing. I know. Believe me.

So the stretching and the comfort food has led to a bit of a muffin top. It's not that I've ever been skinny, but things are really getting out of control here.

(2) the nursing bra--

It's difficult to find a nursing bra in my size that offers any kind of support. I'm accustomed to bras that keep the girls, as Stacy and Clinton would say, "locked and loaded." I took their advice years ago so I'm having a difficult time with these nursing bras. I tried on one of my pre-nursing bras the other day to wear around the house as sort of a test run and it was a NO GO. I hoisted the white flag then. I am a nursing mama so nursing bras are just part of who I am anymore. That means my wardrobe choices are limited. There are just certain tops that you can't wear without the right kind of bra. Furthermore, I feel obliged to cover everything with a cardigan at all times. But hey, it covers the muffin top, too, so win-win.

I watched Little Women last night and was reminded that "necessity is the mother of invention." I'm using this as an opportunity to get creative. Isn't there some saying about how messiness is a sign of creativity? If so, I am INCREDIBLY creative. Every time I get myself dressed, it's like a bomb goes off in my bedroom and clothes go flying everywhere and shoes are coming at me and scarves are being tossed about. It's crazy!

Bottom line. I'm still getting used to this new skin I'm in. I'll figure it out...eventually.

halloween.

2011-11-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

spider + web

Halloween was so different this year with a baby. First of all, I'm normally OCD about the details of our annual Crowe Spooktacular costume party. This year, I was all meh, whatev, I'll delegate and not stress. And I actually did just that. Matthew asked me who I was and what happened to his wife because a laid back/non OCD about details gal is so not the woman he married. I don't know. Maybe it's the breastfeeding and it releasing all those hormones that make you feel peaceful. Maybe it's just that I have bigger fish to fry, and his name is Amos, you know? Matthew was taking the hotdogs off the grill and it was then that I realized I hadn't even gotten together the one thing I assigned myself--condiments. My costume was not conducive for going in and out of the house (conveniently, thank you hoop skirt), so I asked someone else to take care of that for me. I basically did nothing for the party. It was AWESOME! And by nothing I mean I planned the whole thing. That's something even if I didn't technically do anything.

Do you see that smile? That's the smile of a mama who can hold her baby and take care of him without help!!!!!! Happy days!!!

What I did do for Halloween was make our costume. Yes, that's right, I sewed our costume! I am really proud of myself. I don't remember how exactly I came across this idea. I think it involved a google search with words like--easy, beginner, sewing, infant, costume. I found a picture with an easy tutorial from Martha Stewart. It wasn't too bad. I'm impressed, anyway. Before I got Amos in full costume he had on his black turtle neck and black pants and he looked like Tom Cruise on Mission Impossible! I L-O-V-E-D that he was in the baby bjorn...connected to me...all night!

I think Amos liked it, too, because he went right to sleep all snuggled up next to me. I love baby carriers! Doesn't he have the sweetest chin?

Matthew went as...yep, Sherlock Holmes. It's a good look for him! We had a great costume party!

Of all the low down parenting stunts we could pull, we scheduled Amos's four month check-up on Halloween. WHAT WERE WE THINKING??? Who are we and and where are the parents we thought we'd be? We didn't even take the little guy trick or treating! We just didn't think it was the best thing. We were gone all day to the doctor plus he has an early bedtime. We decided to stay home and give out candy and show him off from the comfort of his own home instead of lugging him around place to place. It was perfect. I cooked cheesy chicken enchilada soup, we enjoyed our trick or treaters, Amos went to bed happy and early, and then Matthew and I watched Halloween episodes of The Office. We'll make up for the trick or treating next year. Seriously, he's not even four months...he can't even eat candy.

Amos seemed to enjoy his first Halloween, anyway.

wrap up.

2011-11-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for all of the encouraging comments on my last post. I got a great report at the doctor!!! YAY!!! I don't have to go crazy...I've been singing "I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend." You know...Jumper? Third Eye Blind?

So obviously I had to celebrate which cut into my blogging time. Who can blame me? Am I right? Am I right?

I feel good!

Not only did I get a good report at the doctor, but I feel like I'm pretty much almost famous. Did you see who left the sweetest comment on my post??

CRYSTAL B.

The very same Crystal B. whose necklace I own and love! The Crystal B. who designs awesome jewelry. I purchased my pretty necklace about a year ago and never would I have guessed that one day she'd be commenting on this little ole blog of mine.

AWESOME:)

As if that weren't enough...

There I was, minding my own business, scarfing down a momma's love from Momma Goldberg's in Homewood, when Brooke Premo from Playing Grown Up walked right by me in all her pregnant beauty. I looked up and I still don't know what got into me, but I just boldly asked if her name was Brooke. She said yes and then we got into a discussion about how I read her blog and how there's a super cute baby boutique right up the sidewalk, etc. Her red flag stalker alert probably went up.

Brooke (if you're reading this), I'm not a stalker, really. Promise.

So, yeah. It's been a pretty sweet past couple of days. More on it all soon!

P.S. I missed a few days here and there, but, all in all, I'm pretty proud of my 31 days challenge results. It helped me get back in the groove of blogging and I look forward to keeping up the momentum...except of course when I have to take several days off for celebrating!

{31 days} day 26...melancholy.

2011-10-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

I feel tired. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night. I went to bed too late and Amos woke up a lot.

I feel fat and ugly. It could be because I've been considering starting weight watchers and have since been doubling and tripling up and eating like it might very well be my last taste of food ever.

I feel like a bum/slob. It could be because I haven't gotten dressed for a day, in something other than lounge clothes, more than a handful of times since I had my surgery over six weeks ago.

I feel blah. It could be because I haven't spent enough time outside in the sunlight instead of on the couch, moping, with the curtains pulled.

I feel anxious. It could be because I have my six week follow-up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow.

I feel like crying. It could be because I'm worried that my surgery didn't go perfectly and that I'll be a freak who can't live a normal life from now on.

I feel crazy. It could be from all the polar views about vaccinations and baby sleep that I've been reading.

I feel guilty. It could be because I haven't been able to be the kind of wife and mom that I want to be because of stupid recovery restrictions.

I feel like I will fall off this ledge I'm teetering on if I don't get a good report at the doctor tomorrow.

Would you pray for me? Would you pray that I will be released back to a normal way of life and that my surgery healed me completely and that I won't be dealing with lifelong issues from all of this?

Maybe tomorrow will turn this melancholy into rejoicing.

Maybe, after having gotten dressed in a cute outfit and fixing my hair, I will get a positive report from the doctor which will lead to a day of soaking up sunshine at the park.

Maybe we'll go for coffee at my favorite little coffee shop and I'll come home wanting to do something other than stay on the couch all evening.

**edited to add**

I feel like I'm going bald. It could be because I'm losing all my hair postpartum.

I needed to get that off my chest.

I'm linking this post up with Stephanie Howell at just me, my soldier, and our 4 little chicks. She has a monthly challenge to blog from your heart. This is me being honest...from the heart.

{31 days} day 25...that moment.

2011-10-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

This is the first moment I beheld my son.

This is the very first moment I touched him.

I can hardly look at this picture and not cry; forget about not tearing up.

This moment...I can't even put it into words.

I brought forth life.

They placed this perfect creature on me...my perfect creature...my son.

I did it.

I did it.

{31 days} day 24...the mamas and the papas.

2011-10-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

I hope Amos grows up to be just like his father. He is a good man. I love him with my whole heart. Maybe dressing Amos to match his papa will cause him to be like him in other ways.

Matthew doesn't want to be called dad, daddy, or my personal (not-so) favorite--deddy. He prefers papa. At first I thought it was pretty strange. I mean, it is out there; outside of the norm, you know, but it's starting to really grow on me.

He likes it because it's old-fashioned and different. We like old-fashioned things. I mean, we did name our son Amos.

Opie called Andy pa. Mary, Laura, Carrie, and the rest of the Ingalls children called Charles pa. If it's good enough for Andy and Charles, it's good enough for me.

On a related note, if Matthew is going to be called papa then I can't spell momma, m-o-m-m-a. I've always spelled it that way for my mom. I'm officially going with m-a-m-a to match papa. Maybe I'll just shorten it all the way and go with ma. I bet I could definitely get that to be Amos's first word (and that's really what counts anyway, right)!

{31 days} day 23...his first cold.

2011-10-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

Baby boy has a cold.

BREAK. MY. HEART.

It's terrible. He is pitiful and I can't stand it. I cannot even begin to fathom how parents with children who are suffering from far worse illnesses than a cold do it. Or worse yet, parents who have lost their babies. I can't even imagine. I wish it could be me sick instead of him. His daddy and/or I would willingly take his place in an instant.

There's really nothing much you can do at his age. We're running a couple humidifiers in the house, rubbing Vick's baby rub on his chest, and using saline drops.

We're most definitely getting in extra special snuggle time.

And quality time in the rocking chair.

And less sleep. But I'm realizing you'd pretty much sacrifice anything for your sick baby. I hope he gets well soon. We have our annual Crowe Spooktacular this weekend, a church costume party, and trick or treating. I just want him feeling better.

{31 days} day 22...speaking of bedtime.

2011-10-22T07:03:00.000-05:00

Since I posted about what I did after bedtime yesterday, I thought I'd share what we do for bedtime today. One of my friends recommended to me that we get in a bedtime routine as soon as possible. We did just that after the fog lifted after those first couple of weeks home from the hospital. We haven't always maintained a consistent time that we put Amos in bed, though we are working toward that, but we have been in the same routine for a while.

*pics of Amos's first bath at home*

First off, Matthew gives Amos a bath. A lot of times I'll sit in the bathroom with them, but Matthew is the bath giver. His dad always bathed them and he wants to carry on that special bonding time. They have quality father/son time and Matthew shares all sorts of interesting and important life things with Amos.

Then it's to the changing table. I make sure the overhead light is off in the nursery and just the lamps are on. I also turn on the white noise sound machine. Matthew massages Amos with lotion after drying him off. He diapers him and dresses him in something cozy now that we're having these chillier nights. Amos coos and smiles. He loves his changing table and he really loves his papa.

While they're doing that, I'm readying myself in the rocking chair. Matthew wraps Amos in his sleep sack and then places him in my arms to nurse. We turn off the lamps leaving only a nightlight on. I nurse and rock him while Matthew reads to us from the Bible. We call it family Bible time. After he reads to us, we sing a few songs softly. Lately we've been trying to learn scripture from Hannah's Hundred to sing to Amos. We end with a prayer.

When Amos is finished nursing, Matthew burps him and gently places him in his crib. We tiptoe out and keep a close eye on him with the video monitor that my aunt bought. We also have the angelcare movement monitor that Amos's grammy bought him. I love and highly recommend both.

{31 days} day 21...baking away the after bedtime hours.

2011-10-21T07:03:00.000-05:00

When we first came home from the hospital, we had no schedule. Matthew was off work for a week and a half. After that he only had to go in to the office two days a week and was able to work from home the other days for a whole month! So we stayed up all night and slept all day, just however it worked out with baby boy. It was great!

After he went back to work, we had to get into a better routine. We had a good thing going until I had to have surgery. After the surgery I was unable to take care of myself and Amos for a while so we had friends and family stay with us to help out. That made it difficult to maintain a routine. Only in the past week has it felt like we may be regaining some semblance of our old life.

Hallelujah!

I'm finally feeling like I can do things and I couldn't be happier! Last night I decided I wanted to bake after Amos went to bed. Well, after he went to bed and we watched Parenthood on hulu. That is THE BEST show.

First of all I prepared a delicious fall sandwich for dinner that I found here by way of farmhouse. I substituted Swiss cheese for the gruyere. We live in the country and you can't find gruyere. I also spread a bit of horseradish on the bread instead of dijon mustard. It was outstanding! Seriously. You need to make this sandwich! Matthew said it was the best sandwich he'd ever eaten. Try it with my substitutions. I can't stand behind the original since I didn't make it that way. I bet it's just as good, though. Well, I don't know. The horseradish really added a little something special to it.

Then, since that recipe was so delicious, I decided to try another one from farmouse--pear loaf with vanilla + cardamom.

It seemed only logical that I make homemade chai tea to go with the pear loaf. My sister begs me to make this mix every fall. It's her favorite. I've been making it for several years and we love it!

I have the ingredients for this apple molasses spice cake out on my counter to make soon, maybe tomorrow.

While I'm sharing all these recipes, I might as well share my new fall favorite--pumpkin spice latte. So yummy!

My house smells crazy good right now!

Hooray for a few quiet hours in the kitchen after the babe's bedtime!

{31 days} day 20...to thine own heart be true, in parenting.

2011-10-20T08:25:00.001-05:00

This is exactly what Matthew and I have been talking about lately in regards to our parenting. There are things that I feel in my heart are right for Amos and our family, but I have these blasted voices in my head that cause me to question my heart. These voices are from books I've read, well-meaning friends or family members (or not so well-meaning--sometimes it's hard to tell), opinionated people who just can't not let you know what you should do, and even people who don't give you their opinions but you know deep down that they have one and that it's different from yours so you feel judged by them without ever even having been judged by them.

Sigh...

It's exhausting. When your heart has to duke it out with all those voices in your head, real or imaginary, it wears you down. My heart is sensitive, anyway. My heart is emotional. She doesn't like to fight. She just wants us all to get along, you know?

I have these battles going on in my thoughts all the time. I'm defending choices in my mind and perfecting comebacks for those who disagree and just plain working myself up about it. Was this the curse on woman in the garden or am I getting it mixed up because it sure feels like this very well could be it?

With every choice you make there is an alternative or many alternatives. What happens is that the ones who have chosen something different than you feel judged by you because you didn't do it the way they did it. They get defensive and judge your choice, so you get defensive and it becomes this vicious cycle.

I think it all happens because most of us view our role as parents as extremely important. We want to make the very best choices that we possibly can. We read and research and seek advice. I doubt many of us jump into these decisions haphazardly. After we've pored over the options and finally made a decision we may still have doubts, but we have to go with something because life goes on and decisions must be made.

So we muster up the courage to make our choice known. Then all of those other parents who spent just as much time thoughtfully considering their options but arrived at a different decision feel judged by you for you not choosing the same as they did.

I don't think anyone really means to judge. We all just want to do the best we can. When someone else decides that something different is best, you question whether your choice really was best or not. After all, you were, oftentimes, a little shaky about your choice in the first place.

Bottom line...You just have to do what you feel in your heart is best.

Of course this all presupposes that you are seeking the Lord in all your decisions. I think He cares about even the little things that we may think aren't worthy of bringing before him and disturbing him.

If you have peace about what you are doing, then go with it--for you'll be criticized anyway.

{image from wit and delight via Naomi Davis}

{31 days} day 19...pumpkin patch

2011-10-19T18:23:00.000-05:00

We took our first trip to the pumpkin patch with Amos this past weekend. Going to the pumpkin patch is one of my most favorite fall traditions. It was so much fun sharing that special time with him. He slept through most of the day, but who's bothering with the technicalities? We picked a papa, mama, and baby pumpkin. Isn't that just adorable?

Amos loved being snuggled up to his papa's chest. He sleeps peacefully there. I am so attracted to Matthew all the time, but when he carries Amos in the ergo, I just can't get enough of him! So, so sweet!

On the hayride Matthew and I talked about how much life has changed since our last pumpkin patch trip, and how much joy Amos has brought to our life. Our love for each other has increased and our hearts have grown so much to contain all the additional love that we have for our son.

We're in such a sweet spot in life right now. Every moment is amazing and full of wonder. Amos is learning new things each day. He grows inches overnight. We don't want to miss any memory making occasions. Of course memories can and are made in the everyday, but pumpkin patch trips...well, that's just fun, and I'm a big believer in tradition!

Everything in our life is richer and fuller with Amos here now. It's not that Matthew and I weren't happy and completely in love before. It's just that out of our love our family has grown, and with that comes more love, more fun, more joy, more laughter, more everything.

{31 days} day 18...i am his mother.

2011-10-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

The other day I was sitting on a park bench snuggling and swaying Amos to sleep. A cool, fall breeze was rustling the leaves overhead. Occasionally a few browns and golden yellows would break loose and softly fall back and forth to the ground lulling me to peacefulness. The distant sounds of laughter and squeals of delight from playful children faded into the background.

I was carried away to a place where it was just the two of us. There I was, on a park bench, holding my baby, the one for which I had waited and longed and cried and prayed and begged and finally thought would never be mine.

I was overcome.

This baby that I am holding is mine. God sent him to me. God chose me to be his mother.

Tears came.

I wondered how God could trust someone like me enough to send this precious soul for me to nurture. I know he knows what kind of person I am. I know he sees all of my shortcomings. How could he ever think that I was good enough to care for this soul in such a way as to one day be able to give him back to Him?

I don't know. I don't know why God sent such a gift to me. I don't know how He can trust me in this way.

All I know is that He did. He does.

Tears were washing away the self-doubt and insecurity that had me questioning my mothering.

The noises in the distance were getting closer. I looked up and saw my husband leaning on the rock wall where our nephews were playing. He looked over at me and smiled. I smiled back with a smile that went deep down to my heart.

I can do this.

I am his mother.

{31 days} days 15, 16, and 17...under construction.

2011-10-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

Man, I really stink at this whole blogging every single day thing. Slow and steady, right? Anyway, as you can see, my blog is under construction and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to see the finished look.

While my blog is getting a facelift, so is my house. We have church family coming over tonight and tomorrow night and our house is a pit. So, I've been trying to get what I can done this weekend and tell other people what to do with the rest. Surgery recovery does have some benefits...although, even in delegating, I find it to be bittersweet. I like to do things a certain way. I was the kid in school who didn't like to work in groups because I wanted to do it all myself. I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. Watch out!

This all goes right along with our new life with Amos theme, though. I didn't care to clean in the beginning because I didn't want to miss even one of Amos's breaths. Then I had surgery because of a complication of childbirth and have been unable to clean. Now that I can do just a little, I find that I get started on something and then it's time to break to feed Amos. I feed him and get him playing, and then he gets ready for a nap. So I break to rock him. He goes to sleep and I get back going and then he wakes up hungry. It's the most wonderfully distracting cycle! As you can imagine, though, nothing gets done.

Having the church family over is going to be quite a lesson in humility for me. I'm going to have to swallow down my pride and just settle for the best we can do which is certainly going to be a far cry from perfection.

That's ok, though. My friend, Annie has been offering some great hostessing tips on her blog lately, and she says it's ok to not have things perfect all the time. Go check it out. She's also the one giving my blog a makeover. She's pretty talented.

Ok, time to get back to work. Or wait, do I hear a baby crying?

{31 days} days 12, 13, and 14...our awesome weekend.

2011-10-14T00:20:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where day twelve went. It was a surprise to me when I signed in and saw that I had totally skipped it. Day thirteen is quickly coming to an end so we'll just go ahead and post day fourteen with it and call it a three day post. I'll make up for it with lots of pictures.

My brother got married this past Saturday. Matthew, Amos, and I traveled to Mississippi for the wedding. We left on Thursday afternoon and stayed the night with our dear, dear friends the Carlistos. Amos slept the whole way down. I very much enjoyed that time connecting with Matthew. Then we stayed up 'til 3:30 in the morning talking with our friends. Ohhhh...it was such a sweet time for me. I've missed our friends, and the walls of my house have been closing in on me so the break was wonderful. We had to leave them way too soon to make it down for the rehearsal dinner, but it was nice to see our family who we don't get to see as often as I'd like. Then we stayed in a hotel. Just the three of us. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I am incredibly grateful for my family and friends who have sacrificed of themselves to take care of me during my time of recovery, but I can't lie...I'm over it. We enjoyed our quiet, alone time together. We got my favorite--Basin Robbins Cappuccino Blast. So delish. The wedding was lovely. It was a perfect break from my recovery at home.

The guys just couldn't hack it. John and Matthew took their places on the couch and Courtney and I got a late night snack and had girl time.

Sweet baby friends. John Ezra is six months and Amos is three. Couldn't tell by the size difference, huh?

Amos sat in his friend John Ezra's bumbo seat. Isn't he a big boy?

My sweet friend Courtney with my baby. I am so thankful for my friendship with this girl. We have a good story together.

Amos met his Uncle Jason for the first time on this trip.

He also met his cousin, KayLeigh. He got in some quality time with maw and KK at the rehearsal dinner.

And here he is meeting his new cousins and aunt.

Mom forgot to pack his bathtub so he got to take a bath in the hotel sink. Gross and cute all at the same time.

He did so good considering how much time he had to spend in his carseat.

We took Amos to Ward's. We always have to eat at Ward's and get a Big One in memory of my brother, Nick. That was his favorite place to eat.

Mmmmmm...Cappuccino Blast! My favorite!

Amos and Mommy all dressed up for the wedding.

Best wishes to my brother and his family.

{31 days} day 12...speechless.

2011-10-12T12:39:00.001-05:00

Sometimes his adorableness leaves me that way!

{31 days} day 11...who does amos look like?

2011-10-11T23:40:00.001-05:00

Aren't hospital baby pictures great?

I don't know who the boy (I like to call him that affectionately) looks like. When he was first born, I think he looked just like his papa. He had this gummy old grandpa grin that was just like Matthew's. He has changed so much, though, that I can't decide who he looks like now. He does have my dimples. I claim that loud and proud!

Don't I look mad at the world? I mean, seriously! Someone really ticked me off! And Matthew...why did they remove his false teeth just before the picture! Isn't that what his mouth looks like? Hilarious! I love it!

And Amos, well, he's just picture perfect! His face has that newborn swelling and his head is shaped funny. I miss that. It all goes away much too quickly.

Sigh...delight in every moment. Really. They are fleeting.

{31 days} day 10...if you're happy and you know it...

2011-10-10T22:49:00.001-05:00

...then your face will surely show it.

{31 days} day 9...wonderful and praiseworthy.

2011-10-09T16:42:00.001-05:00

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Psalm 139:13-18

{31 days} day 8...fall with amos.

2011-10-08T16:35:00.001-05:00

You wanna know what's AWESOME? Having a baby to share my most favorite season and month and holiday with. SO MUCH FUN!!! We have a family pumpkin patch trip planned. Football. Fall clothes and hats. A trip to Cheaha to look at the leaves followed by a day spent on a quilt with just the three of us by the lake. Picking out a costume. Trick or treating. Fall baking. Our very first Crowe spooktacular with Amos. Pumpkin carving. A hay ride. Man, having a baby is the best!!

{31 days} day 7...the bradley method.

2011-10-07T23:01:00.001-05:00

I basically read every single book I could get my hands on to prepare for this pregnancy. I even read books about parenting/sleep habits/childbirth/vaccinations/etc. years before we became pregnant. Being a wife and mom is my dream come true so reading about and studying up on it is enjoyable.

I can't remember exactly how I came to my decision to use the Bradley method of husband coached natural childbirth. I know that I was scared TO DEATH of having a catheter. I loathe giving up any control I have even if it is to the pain management professionals that be. I am a conspiracy theorist. I prefer all natural lifestyle choices as much as is possible. I wanted to be in the hospital the absolute least amount of time with as few people messing with me as possible. I had something to prove to myself.

All of that led to natural. I guess it happened as a result of all my reading. I looked into many different methods, but the Bradley method really seemed to be me. It teaches you to be an informed consumer. It prepares you to know what to expect so that you can make the best possible choices for your childbirth philosophy. It helps you to not go in blindly and accept whatever the doctors or nurses say, but to be knowledgeable so that you are aware of other options that you have. Plus, you get to have your husband as your labor coach!

There was no one else in this world that I wanted by my side during labor and birthing but my husband. We viewed that time as the beginning of OUR family of three. We wanted to guard those sacred early moments of just the three of us. If I could have him deliver our baby at home in our bedroom with no one else around I would have.

I searched and emailed and called all over Alabama but could not get anyone to respond to me about the Bradley method. Matthew suggested I look into Atlanta or Chattanooga since some of the supposed locations in Alabama that we were considering were just as far away. I called Katie, the Bradley instructor in Chattanooga, and she returned my call immediately and was so warm and friendly. I knew this was the one.

Matthew and I looked forward to our classes each week. We met with five other couples plus our sweet instructor in a chiropractic clinic every Thursday night for twelve weeks. It was so nice to be surrounded by like-minded parents-to-be. We learned about everything from how your pelvic bones shift to open up your pelvic cavity so that a baby can pass through to the proper nutrition that could help you avoid preeclampsia to where your husband could place pressure on your lower back to help ease labor pains. We learned so, so much that helped us be armed and ready to go in advocating for what we wanted and thought was best during our pregnancy, labor, and birth.

My husband is the epitome of a Bradley husband. He worked so hard to care for me so that I could focus on taking care of our baby. He is kind and gentle and patient and loving and even and calm and good. He was and is my rock. He loved going to classes each week because it made him feel more involved in the pregnancy. Plus he loved the confidence he felt as a result of the knowledge we were acquiring every week. And all those hours we spent alone together--icing on the cake!

Matthew was by my side every step of the way. We were in it together, as I think it should be. He encouraged me and helped keep me from spiraling out of control. He froze washcloths to comfort me since I was sweating profusely (transition is no joke). He snuck me water in my ice chips to keep me hydrated because I refused an IV. He was my voice when I wasn't able to verbalize anything but a moan (Not a crazy moan, mind you. I told Matthew if I started acting crazy to IMMEDIATELY call for an epidural because the thought of going psycho in front of all those medical professionals was not where I was willing to go). He was amazing! Still is;)

We did it together. We made our own choices so that no one else had to make them for us.

I highly recommend the Bradley method. It's so much more than facts. It was a bonding and strengthening choice for our marriage and our family. I am incredibly thankful for my husband. I love him so much!

{31 days} days 5 and 6...we interrupt this program.

2011-10-06T19:36:00.001-05:00

We interrupt this 31 days challenge to announce that baby boy cut his first tooth! That's right! Just a day over three months and he's already losing that gummy grin. Time, stand still. You are moving WAY too fast. I do not approve!

Needless to say, we have an explanation for the "something" he was going through. I hope you understand the interruption of my blogging. It's a direct result of lack of sleep. But boy have we had some good cuddle time!

{31 days} day four...going natural.

2011-10-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

Matthew and I decided that we wanted to have Amos without unnecessary medical interventions. Actually, I mostly decided and Matthew encouraged my choice every step of the way. I'm not really the type who is hard core "this is the best way to do something" about much of anything in life. I have my opinions, but I see them as just that--my opinions. I respect that others have their opinions and I think I can learn a lot from people with different opinions than myself. I say all that to tell you that I don't judge you for whatever choices you made or will make about childbirth. I chose it because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. That's really it. There were other considerations that I felt were valid reasons to choose natural childbirth, but none so convincing AT ALL for me as the plain and simple one, that I wanted to.

In my junior year of college I became depressed to the point that I had to leave school and come home to have my family take care of me. I had been running fast and hard for so many years from things from my childhood. I got tired. I couldn't keep up the pace. When I was forced to slow down, specifically from a very difficult to recover from case of mono, the past caught up with me and it hit me hard. Really hard. I feel like I've been a flake ever since. Something changed about me. I lost so much confidence in myself. I was this overachieving, super confident, super involved, smart girl who looked like she had it all together. It was a facade, but a really good one. I'd even fooled myself. I mean, I was all of those things, but I used them to cover up the hurt little girl inside. I built an impenetrable wall around my heart made up of activities and good grades and a confidence that came from counting on no one but myself.

Then my self let me down. My self became depressed and altered the course of my life completely. I could no longer trust me. Me let me down. I've been battling with that ever since. I'm slowly gaining confidence back, not just in myself this time, but in God. I couldn't be happier with the altered course of my life. I believe that was the providence of God and I am most grateful for it.

All of that leads to my decision to have an unmedicated childbirth. I wanted to prove to myself that I could commit to something and follow through with it. I wanted to do something that was hard, and do it well, so that I could trust myself again. It was one big moment in my life that I hoped would be symbolic of so many more moments until eventually it becomes who I am--strong, dependable, able to handle hard things, trusting in the Lord, not flaky.

Like I always do, though, I left an escape route. I have a difficult time committing to anything. I always leave a way to escape in case the going gets tough. This was no different. Matthew and I attended twelve weeks of classes in a city that wasn't even in our state. We drove to Chattanooga because it was the closest Bradley class we could find. That was almost two and a half hours each way every single Thursday night, and less than a handful of people in our life knew what we were doing. We didn't even tell our moms. I didn't want people to tell me what a bad idea it all was or how ridiculous we were being, and I especially didn't want to hear any "I told you so" comments if I wasn't able to go through childbirth without an epidural.

My family found out we were going natural when they all walked in the room, for the brief moment that I let them come in when I was in labor, and my stepdad asked Matthew if I'd had any pain medicine. I was in a zone. I don't think I even opened my eyes and acknowledged that they were in the room.

I was doing it! I was gaining confidence in myself with every wave of contractions that surged through my body! I knew I could do it! I knew that doing this was going to help me overcome so much from my past. The pain was healing me.

I did it, and it has been healing! It has given me confidence in my mothering and empowered me as a woman. I'm so proud of myself and thankful for the choice I made.

I could NEVER have done it without the loving support and encouragement from my husband. Tomorrow's post will be about the Bradley Method of Husband-Coached Natural Childbirth, the method we used in labor and birthing.

{31 days} days two and three...sacrificing.

2011-10-03T23:01:00.001-05:00

Well, wouldn't you know it. Two days in and I already skip a post. I am not the most consistent blogger, but yesterday truly was a case of having to give up something of my own to take care of my baby. Amos is going through something lately. We're not quite sure what, we are new to this whole parenting thing, but it is something. He has been especially clingy to me. He will be inconsolable and someone will hand him to me and immediately he calms down. I love that! It's such a wonderful feeling to know that your very own baby wants you, his momma. I've waited so long to feel that! So I've been holding my baby round the clock as much as I am able instead of blogging.

Life has been so crazy for us since my surgery. We've been incredibly blessed to have friends and family taking such good care of us, but we are so off of the routine that I would like to have for our life. I have been unable to tend to Amos like I was before my surgery so I wonder if he just needs my attention more since he's having to be taken care of by others. Is he teething? Does he have a tummy ache? Is he overtired? Overstimulated? Hungry? Am I producing enough milk? Sigh...It's a guessing game.

I don't mind sacrificing for him. I don't say that to try and coax a pat on the back out of anyone or to make myself out like I'm some supermom. Neither of those things are the case. It's just the truth. He is my baby. He is part of me so in sacrificing for him, I'm really not sacrificing anything. It's only what I would do for myself. You know the verse "love your neighbor as yourself?" That implies that you have to love yourself. I love the way God made me. I love who I am. Amos is part of me. I love him so much. Thus sacrificing for him is not a sacrifice at all. It's only loving myself. You see?

Becoming a mom has opened up many opportunities to sacrifice. I do it all with a glad and thankful heart still almost unbelieving that God blessed us with this perfect soul to tend to. You don't get much sleep, but you get to hold your baby and rock him in the still of the night when the moonlight is shining in on his face and he's looking up at you with almost flirty eyes. You don't always get three square meals a day, but you do get to hold your baby and feed and nourish and sustain him. You don't always have a clean house, but you do have evidence of a new life in your home. You don't get to go out and do as many things as you once did, but you get to stay home and cuddle with your baby and your husband and relish in this new life as a family of three. You don't get to sit through a church service without having to get up at least once, but you are calming the cries of a soul that the Lord has entrusted you with and that you get to train up.

A lot of things are sacrificed, but not really. How can you even call it a sacrifice when you're getting such a reward in return?

{31 days} day one--introducing...

2011-10-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Matthew Amos Crowe

July 5, 2011

9 pounds 10 ounces

21 1/2 inches

Meet my sweet baby boy. He's the reason for my 31 days topic--31 days of our new life with Amos. He brightens our days and I am so excited to share that with you. I look forward to this month of posts. I hope you'll stick around and get to know my family a little better.

this morning i am...

2011-09-28T09:21:00.000-05:00

mommy feet + baby feet

...sipping pumpkin spice coffee from O'Henry's with pumpkin spice creamer. YUM!

...reading A Love That Multiplies by Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar. I love the Duggars!

...adoring Amos as he sleeps peacefully in his swing.

...listening to the clanking of pots and pans coming from the kitchen where my aunt from Kentucky is putting away our clean dishes from the dishwasher. My family has taken such good care of the three of us since my surgery.

...thinking about my granny who passed away 13 years ago. She loved this time of year, too. I get it from her.

...cherishing the crochet table runner that my granny made many, many years ago that my aunt gave to me yesterday. My fall centerpiece looks lovely atop it.

...loving my husband so much I can't even find the words when I try to tell him, only tears will come. I had surgery about 2 1/2 weeks ago and he has taken care of me faithfully. Actually, he has taken care of me since I had Amos. Actually, he always takes care of me. He meant his vows when he said them. He is amazing!

...looking forward to bible study tonight. I haven't been able to get out in about three weeks and I am so eager to get back to see my church family.

...contemplating whether or not I should go ahead and eat that Reese's peanut butter pumpkin that's calling out to me from the snack cabinet.

Happy [fall] day to you!

fall style in 80 degree weather

2011-09-27T07:33:00.000-05:00

The calendar told me that fall was officially here last week. However, these 80 degree days aren't echoing the sentiment. What's a girl to do about her cozy fall style when the weather channel app on her iphone won't give a little?

Do you want to know my honest opinion? Mmmk. Dress for fall anyway. Yep. I believe in suffering for the sake of fashion. Just double up on deodorant and turn the AC up and pretend it's not stifling hot out.

Here's an option that I think is worth your consideration. There's a slight chance you won't burn slap up in it, but a 100% chance that you'll look super cute!

Old Navy

Forever 21

(It looks like they sold out of this particular color, unfortunately.)

Gap

This is an easy outfit to put together and comfy to wear. I bet you have some pieces already in your closet that you could make work. I think a scarf brings something to any outfit. It's such a great way to add spice to a bland look. And if you get really hot...just pull your hair back in a ponytail. Whatever you do, don't take off the scarf. This is fall, you know.

thirty-one days

2011-09-26T07:33:00.000-05:00

I was introduced to the 31 days challenge by my blog friend, Annie. After reading this blog post of hers, I wanted to find out more. I clicked around from blog to blog and read through some posts written last year during the 31 days challenge. I was hooked. It's a challenge I'm willing to accept. I've neglected this little room of my own for quite some time. You see, I had a baby--the cutest little baby you've ever seen. I've been spending all of my time with him and my husband enjoying this beautiful new three person family that we have now, but I want to reconnect with my friends here.

The challenge is to write about the same subject every day for the month of October. Obviously, I have a sporadic writing habit here so I knew it needed to be something that would engage me. It really didn't take me long at all to decide on my material.

I want to reconnect with my friends and be more consistent with my writing here

+ I just had a baby and we became a three person family =

I am super excited about sharing some details of our new life with you all. Amos has brought so much joy and happiness to our days. I will be posting about such topics as--the Bradley method of natural childbirth, labor and delivery, the postpartum body and mind, what books we have read and are reading to help us navigate this whole parenthood thing, who does he look like?, our daily routines, how having a baby increased my faith so much and makes me love my husband even more, the good old fashioned fun stuff that a baby brings to your life every single day, and lots more.

This is going to be a great month! October is my favorite month of the whole year. I think this one will be the best yet!

Let me know if you decide to do the 31 days challenge!

feed your soul

2011-09-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

{image found here}

But he answered, "It is written, "'Man shall not live by bread alone,

but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

Matthew 4:4

Recently I had to fast for a week in preparation for and recovery from surgery. Clear liquids were the only nourishment allowed. I was worried about going without food because...well, I am a pretty big fan of food! My main concern was that I am breastfeeding Amos and I didn't know if I would be able to continue with that without getting the proper nutrition for an entire week. Matthew and I prayed a lot about it, and guess what? I was never once hungry and I was able to nurse Amos with no interruption, except for the 24 hours following general anesthesia and pain medication.

Can you believe that I never once got hungry? How can that be? I don't know. Maybe there's plenty of logical explanations, but I know that God was showing me that He can sustain me. I was overwhelmed by that message.

I thought the Lisa Leonard feed your soul necklace would be the perfect encouragement to get me through this surgery. I wanted a physical token to remind me that I need to feed my soul because I don't live on the food from this world only. I bought it thinking that this was going to be so difficult and I could look at or touch the necklace throughout the week and be encouraged. After making it through the week without food, I now have the feed your soul necklace to remind me that God is able to sustain. Not only able, but he can even do it without hunger pangs!

This fall I want to focus even more on feeding my soul with "every word that comes from the mouth of God." Some women in the church I am a part of have come up with a great plan for feasting on God's Word. You should consider it. Let me know if you decide to join in. Maybe I could post my thoughts on what I'm learning from time to time and we could discuss it here.

happy first day of fall.

2011-09-23T02:16:00.001-05:00

{image found here}

It's that time of year. My favorite time of year. I know it's on its way when I first notice the dancing leaves as I drive down the road, the first fallen leaves that get swept up and dance in the air and then scatter across the road as you pass by. I love when that happens. There is a road I drive down this time of year just because I know it's the best path for finding dancing leaves. It makes my heart happy.

Pumpkin spice is in the air and in a certain yummy coffee drink that I love from Starbucks. My house is smelling delicious. Pumpkin puree is on the grocery list, and my pinterest is full of fall recipes to try.

I've purchased a shirt in a gingham pattern. My flip flops have been replaced with flats and boots. The corduroys are calling to me. Amos even has an adorable sweater vest in an autumnal color palette and the cutest little newspaper boy hat.

You've Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally, Baby Boom, and Gilmore Girls have been in rotation in the DVD player.

I'm ready. I'm always ready, for fall that is. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Something in my heart changes when the leaves start changing colors. Life slows down. The sun sets earlier and that means more cozying up on the couch with Matthew in the evenings.

The following is a list of some things I want to do this fall season...

---Read more books while sipping coffee and enjoying the cool breeze coming in through our open windows.

---Take early morning or evening strolls through our neighborhood with my two favorite guys.

---Spend lots of time outside swinging and playing in leaves and going to the park and picking pumpkins and...everything else that says fall.

---Feed my soul. I want to spend more time studying God's word and hiding his truths in my heart so that I can become a better wife and mother.

Happy first day of fall!

showered with love

2011-05-16T09:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a little sneak peak at what will most likely go down in history as two of the best

baby showers ever! This weekend was THE BEST! We feel so loved and blessed!

Amos is loved by so many people already and we haven't even met him yet!

On Saturday we had a book shower! Matthew and I are bookworms and we can't wait

to encourage Amos to be one too! I LOVED receiving so many books for his very

own library collection!

Then on Sunday we had our hometown baby shower. So many of our friends and

family came and it was tons-o-fun! I love baby showers!

I can't wait to share more details with you!

today

2011-05-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

{photo found here}

I've been really tired lately. I wanted to post on here yesterday, but my brain couldn't muster the energy to think about anything much to say. I'm pretty much feeling the same way today, too. I did go grocery shopping yesterday. That wiped me out completely. Brady is staying with his pawpaw today so I can rest. Here's my plans for the day...

get a haircut.
get a pedicure.
clean my house.
laundry.
bake a lemon pound cake.
read.
rest. always rest.

my baby in 4d

2011-05-06T07:57:00.001-05:00

That's my baby boy! Isn't he so cute?

The night before we went in and had this ultrasound, I had a stomach virus...all night long. IT WAS BAD! I started having contractions and busted blood vessels all over my face and eyes. It's very difficult to bend over the toilet when you have a belly that is hard as a rock and won't give even the slightest bit. I survived it, though, and Amos was perfect.

Do you see his hand up there on his forehead? I think he must have been thinking 'enough is enough, mom, I'm so tired.' He was breech so this is the only good image we got of him. It's better if they are in the head down position, apparently. Hopefully Amos has flipped himself because I sure don't want to have to have a c-section. The thought of that is completely terrifying to me. We get to go back this week for another 4D ultrasound since he was breech. I can't wait to see him again!

On first observation, I thought he had Matthew's cheeks, but Matthew thinks he has my cheeks. He has what I call jaw cheeks. Mine are higher. The more I stare at Amos, the more I think maybe he does have my cheeks:) I think he has Matthew's area under his nose to his upper lip.

I just think he's perfect. I love him so much. My heart is full, and the thing is that it keeps getting fuller and fuller;)

30 weeks (almost 2 weeks ago) and 30 things

2011-05-06T06:37:00.001-05:00

30 things i love at 30 weeks

(which was almost 2 weeks ago, but who's counting?**)

**me, of course:)

1. i love how my entire belly moves now when amos shifts.

2. i love that that movement is quality entertainment for most everyone i know.

we sit around and watch my belly and ooh and aah.

3. my collection of stretchy black maternity gauchos and super soft casual tees with flip flops.

4. matthew talking to amos in my belly.

5. matthew coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my belly and holding me.

6. sleep.

7. fiber.

8. 4d ultrasounds where we get to see a little preview of what amos

looks like (i'll post those pics for you later).

9. all the planning that is taking place for our baby shower.

10. lots and lots of pillows that help me to sleep.

11. stretch marks (i never thought i'd get to have these marks that are proof that

i have carried a baby in my womb).

12. trips to buybuy baby.

13. amos's hiccups.

14. our childbirth classes.

15. my almost nightly ritual of lavender baths (although i wonder how much longer

i can carry on with this one. it's getting difficult to pull myself up out of the tub).

16. how fast my hair is growing. yay!

17. ankle length maternity dresses so that i can still be modest even though i can't sit

very lady-like anymore.

18. water, lots and lots of water.

19. the new paint color we chose for amos's room.

20. receiving big ticket baby gifts from our family members. yay for help preparing for baby!

21. buying amos a ton of golden books at mckay books in chattanooga for super cheap!

22. cantaloupe.

23. my husband. i love him more and more. he's going to be the best dad.

24. my desire to be home 24 hours a day 7 days a week. i just want to be here in our cozy

little home resting and preparing for baby. maybe it's nesting?

25. people telling me how good i look pregnant. you know you'd like that too!

26. feeling so happy and content and peaceful.

27. ordering baby stuff online.

28. getting that baby stuff in the mail.

29. thinking about mother's day coming up and how i get to celebrate it in its fullness this year:)

30. being pregnant. i love being pregnant. i love every single thing about it!

easter...better late than never

2011-05-05T06:37:00.000-05:00

We are big on family get togethers. Matthew and I both grew up in the town we live in still--our hometown. And let me tell you, there is no place like home! We live across the street from my parents and just up the road from his mom and sister. My uncle lives about a 1/2 mile away. His grandparents live maybe 2 miles from us close to his mom. His other grandmother lives right up the road as well as many of his aunts and uncles. Another of my uncles lives across the street. We're all just right here. It's pretty much wonderful! There are a few family members who have moved away, but thankfully only as far as a neighboring town. We do have a few out of staters, but for the most part, we're all right here within a 5 mile radius. So we take every opportunity to spend time together.

My family gathered on Saturday before Easter and had a cookout. It was a fun, non-traditional way to celebrate Easter. After church on Sunday we had lunch at Matthew's grandparents' house. Then we had an Easter egg hunt with the kids. It was a lot of fun to all be together.

I always match our outfits for Easter. All through my growing up years, my mom would buy my sister and I matching Easter dresses so I like to carry on that tradition. I can't wait for Amos to get here so we can add a third to our matchy-matchy:)

Another tradition we like to carry on is gifts on holidays. Matthew and I love to give each other gifts. They don't have to be big or even cost anything at all. We just like to celebrate every day together, especially days recognized as being special.

I know Easter has come and gone, but do you have any special ways you like to celebrate certain holidays? Do you match your outfits?

tornado in the valley

2011-05-04T06:37:00.005-05:00

After what happened Wednesday morning, we were all shaken and scared. We listened to the weather on the radio and kept up with it on our iphones since our cable was out all through town. We knew more bad weather was coming. We were all preparing for it. Matthew preaches at a congregation about 35 minutes from where we live and we hadn't heard from them that services were going to be cancelled. We knew it was supposed to get bad and we had just lived through a pretty scary weather event that morning so he finally called and told them we just couldn't make it. They were expecting the tornado to come through our area and we didn't want to take any chances. Eventually they did cancel services. It's a good thing, too, because it got bad.

The last we heard on the radio before we lost signal was that it was headed towards our town. We all took shelter in my mom's hallway. We put helmets on the kids for extra protection. Some of the guys ran outside to see if they could locate the tornado. They spotted it across the mountain from us and could tell that it had taken a path through the valley instead of coming into town. They yelled and told us. Some of us ran out and watched it as it passed through. We could feel it. It was so eery.

Immediately we tried to get in touch with my cousin because he and his family live over in the valley. We couldn't reach him. We were panicked. My uncle took off like a mad man towards his son's house. Both entrances into the valley were blocked by trees. He called and the rest of the guys left out with chainsaws to try to cut their way to Josh to make sure he was okay. After what seemed like forever, Josh finally called and said they were all safe. They had taken shelter in a neighbor's basement and made it through. At that time, they couldn't make it back to their house to know if it was still there or not. It wasn't until the next day that they were able to make it over.

His grandparents house will have to be torn down and rebuilt. They lost their carport, storage building, wash house, and roof. My cousin's house had only minor damage with a tree falling through the roof. Unfortunately, his neighbors all around him were not spared. So far the death toll in the six mile span of the valley that he lives in is twelve people, four of those lived right next to him. Two lived directly across the street, a mom and dad who left behind three daughters. The other two, an elderly couple, lived next door to him.

The devastation has been overwhelming. You see this sort of thing on TV in other areas and you know it's bad, but until it touches your life, it's really hard to grasp. Mostly I've felt helpless. There is so much to be done and so many who need help. With me being pregnant, I'm not able to do as much. My family is doing what little we can. It doesn't feel like enough, but I take comfort in knowing that if everyone does just a little, then it will add up to make a big difference.

My blog friend, Annie, is having a giveaway and also using it as a means to help out folks in Alabama who have been affected by the storms. Click over to her blog and use this as an opportunity to do something little that will add up to make a big difference. Besides, by doing good you are entered to win a pretty sweet giveaway package. But like you even needed that incentive to do a good thing, right???

**Also, you can read my husband's post about the storm over on his blog.**

What you will do matters. All you need to do is do it. ~Judy Grahn.

making a mobile

2011-05-03T22:54:00.000-05:00

I want to make as much as I can for Amos's room. I like the idea of handmade things. I am not the most crafty person, but I'm trying. I saw these yarn balls on nienie's blog a while back and was inspired to make some to hang over Amos's crib.

I went to Hobby Lobby and bought 13 (I think) various sized styrofoam balls, and six different colors of yarn. I popped in a Gilmore Girls DVD and got busy. You start the yarn ball by pinning the yarn onto the ball and then you wrap...and wrap...and wrap. Keep doing that until it's full and pretty. Then pin the end piece. Voila! You have a super cute yarn ball. Repeat that for however many styrofoam balls you have.

I don't have a completely finished product to show you, but what I'm going to do is hang these from the ceiling with pieces of yarn. I'll pin a piece of yarn into the top of the yarn ball and then push pin them into the ceiling. I think I'll do varying lengths of yarn so they hang at different levels.

I think it's going to be super cute!

weathering the storm

2011-05-03T11:14:00.000-05:00

I've been absent from my blog this past week because we had some severe weather come through our area that left us without power for a few days. Even after the power finally came on, there was much work to be done to clean up. So I've been busy.

The worst of what came through our little town happened on Wednesday morning. James Spann said it was a derecho. I thought we were in the middle of a tornado. I looked out our french doors onto our back yard a little after 6:00 that morning and yelled to Matthew that I thought we were in a tornado. Our trees were swaying all sorts of directions and looked like they would snap any minute. We quickly backed away from the glass doors. As soon as it ended, our phones started ringing. His mom called hysterical because so many trees had fallen in her yard. My mom called to check to see if we were okay. It was scary. We immediately left to go check on Matthew's mom and sister on the other side of town. We couldn't get there easily. Main Street was closed because of downed trees and power lines across the road. We took another route and had to be careful because of debris and trees across the road.

Here are some pictures from Wednesday morning. Unfortunately, Wednesday night brought more bad weather that was even worse. It didn't hit our town, but we watched as the tornado passed through the community just over the mountain from us in Shoal Creek Valley. I'll post pictures of the damage over there tomorrow.

1. After the worst of it passed, we looked out our side door and saw that we had limbs down and our cable line had snapped and fell across the road.

2. Someone had just cut the tree enough for us to get through to Matthew's mom and sister. It was a tight squeeze through those trees, but we made it safely.

3. Once we got to his mom's, we had to park on the road because a tree was down across the main road and her driveway was blocked by another tree that had snapped.

4. This is the tree that snapped across her driveway.

5. She had several huge pecan trees that were completely uprooted. We're all sad to see them go.

6. When we came back through town, we heard that my uncle had a tree down on his house so we stopped by to help him.

7. His neighbor had a tree fall on her house and her storage building. His other neighbor had a tree come through their second floor and fall completely though to the first floor.

8. This is what it looked like in our downtown area after the storm passed.

9. Another shot of downtown where you can see the power lines hanging.

We are so thankful to be safe and that everyone in our family made it safely though the storm, too.

what happened to you, luke?

2011-04-25T08:29:00.000-05:00

Really???

Matthew was scanning through Netflix trying to find us something to watch last night and we stumbled across this little jewel. I haven't seen it, but can you even imagine Luke Danes in a movie with this kind of cover? I was taken aback. Scott Patterson can only ever be Luke Danes to me. He certainly doesn't strike me as...this guy. I don't know, maybe I should watch it just to see. Or maybe I should put in a Gilmore Girls episode and leave well enough alone.

What do you think?

be happy

2011-04-22T07:53:00.000-05:00

and there is so much beauty.

so much to be thankful for.

so much to be happy about.

{image found here}

the circle of life

2011-04-21T07:33:00.001-05:00

Matthew's mom gave us these outfits that were Matthew's when he was a baby! She saved them! Isn't that the most precious thing ever? I am so thankful that Joanne is a sentimentalist like me. Now our baby will get to wear the very same outfits his daddy wore when he was his size. I'm gonna cry. It's just so sweet!

The sailboat outfit was Matthew's first Easter outfit. He wore that Izod sweater to have his picture made at the photographer. And the one on the right with the football player was the outfit he wore home from the hospital! I held it close to my chest the other night and tried to imagine Matthew that size, fresh out of the hospital. The circle of life is pretty amazing.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that our mothers did for us what I am doing for Amos. All the "you'll understand one day" and "just wait, you'll see" comments are really starting to hit me hard. I don't think I am completely there yet, but I think I am on the road to understanding our moms a bit better. I mean I am becoming a mom...but my mom or Matthew's mom has always been THE mom in our lives, you know? Now I'll be one too. I think it's starting to shed some light on things. It's like I'm preparing for initiation into the club. Right now I only see through a glass, darkly, but soon...I'm afraid I'll have to face it. I'll be one with our moms in a way. I'll have to be more understanding of their choices and place in life.

Growing up is weird.

irrelevant facts

2011-04-20T11:21:00.001-05:00

things you should know

about me (that are completely

irrelevant to anything)

1. i love the cardigans.

2. i sleep with 5 pillows to support my growing belly and all my various pregnancy related sleeping needs. there's barely room for matthew in the bed with me.

3. i love garth brooks.

4. i am addicted to spending my extra money on new eyeglasses...like every six months. you can't beat america's best prices. i say glasses are a girl's best friend.

5. i never liked yogurt until recently. and boy do i love publix brand key lime and stonyfield WHOLE MILK (very important) french vanilla. those are the only two, though.

6. i love to dig in the dirt. i enjoy my flower beds and vegetable gardening.

7. i NEVER answer my home phone EVER. we use that line for internet purposes. anyone who really wants to contact me can do so another way. if a person doesn't know another way to contact me then chances are i don't want to be contacted by them.

8. roseanne is the perfect sitcom to depict my growing up years. i never knew why my friends weren't allowed to watch that show. i just thought it was real life.

9. little house on the prairie would be my sitcom of choice to depict my ideal growing up years. sigh...

10. i love to cook for my husband.

11. i am obsessive about two things as soon as i walk in the door to my house--wash my hands and blow my nose (or maybe that should be in reverse order). it's like it rids me of all the outside bad stuff.

take me home...country road...

2011-04-20T07:47:00.001-05:00

Matthew and I traveled to West Virginia last week for him to preach at the congregation his aunt and uncle attend. The trip up was a nightmare, but these pics are from the ride home. It was much more enjoyable. Getting a tooth pulled would probably be more enjoyable than our trip up. Let's not dwell on that, though.

Feast your eyes on the beauty that is West Virginia.

1. That John Denver really wasn't full of it. West Virginia is a mountain momma.

2. Very tall railroad crossing over the interstate.

3. One of the two tunnels we went through.

4. Toll road. Good thing we had cash on hand because they don't accept debit.

5. The other tunnel we went through. One divided Virginia and West Virginia but I can't remember which was which.

6. This is what traveling looks like for me. Hey Amos! He's a good traveler:)

7. Ummmmmm...could he be any hotter??? I didn't think so either. WHOO! I love him!

8. I took a picture of this because on the way up to West Virginia we had the worst traveling experience EVER! We came through tornado warnings, severe thunderstorms, and hail that looked like snow covering the sides of the road in Tennessee. When we got to Virginia it was nothing but fog the rest of the way. IT. WAS. BAD. We were driving like 40 mph down the interstate. We should have gotten to our destination by 11:30 that night. At 1:30 we were still two hours away! We couldn't do it anymore. Things were really scary and I was having a complete meltdown. We had to get a hotel. We saw the sign for the hotel on the side of the road, however, when we pulled off the main road, we did not see a hotel anywhere. We drove over to the gas station across the street to get directions to the hotel that was RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD! We drove by the place twice before finally finding it. The fog was just that thick. I mean it was awful!

9. I mean look at that...it's RIGHT THERE!

i got a makeover!

2011-04-19T22:30:00.000-05:00

guess who got a makeover...

ME!

Isn't it super cute?

I love it!

The ever so talented Annie did a fantastic job!

Feel free to grab a new button to go with my new look.

Thanks for reading my little ol' blog, friends.

It means a lot to me that you take time from your day to stop by here.

saved through childbearing...what???

2011-04-19T21:39:00.001-05:00

Yet she will be saved through childbearing...1 Timothy 2:15

This verse has always intrigued me. For years I was unable to conceive a child so I wondered where that left me in light of this scripture. In studying, I have found two main schools of thought. One is that because Jesus was born of a woman, the opportunity for salvation was achieved, meaning that through Mary's role in the sacred scheme of redemption, all women are potential heirs of salvation. The other, and more widely accepted, explanation is that the word "childbearing" is a synecdoche (a part that represents the whole). "Childbearing" would thus represent the totality of woman's domestic role, the role God designed for her, and by living out this role she would find great fulfillment.

I like either of those explanations. They suit me. But still I wonder where that leaves women who don't marry or who don't have children. Wife and mother are what is implied in her "domestic role." Any time I heard preachers explain the passage I always felt like they sugar coated it to make it more palatable for those of us who didn't fit into these two categories. I've heard it explained as those of us who were unable to bear children could still "mother" in the sense that we could be Bible class teachers or just generally care for children. I certainly don't think it's a requirement of salvation for a woman to be married or have children. I do wonder if it means she will find greater pleasure in life if she does, though.

I really have no idea. These are just my random thoughts. What I do know is the personal application I feel like this verse now has in my life...

For me, this verse means that I will be saved from myself. I was completely consumed with Jessica before I became pregnant. Now that I am carrying a child, I feel like all of my thoughts, my time, my energy, my purpose, everything has shifted. It's not all about me anymore. I know not all women are consumed with themselves like I was, and I certainly don't suggest that. I just know that I was. I'm so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby so that I can have something other than myself to occupy my days.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself.

I know that my desire was to be a wife and a mother. I think that is the desire God placed in my heart when he created me. The years I spent waiting for that were difficult and I felt...not complete or whole. But now that I am expecting, I do find great satisfaction and fulfillment in this place--the place I think God meant for me to be.

how to have a good day

2011-04-06T08:41:00.001-05:00

1. Get 10 1/2 hours of sleep the night before the good day is to start.

2. Ease into your day by spending the morning on the internet checking out all the stuff you like.

3. Prepare everything you'll eat for dinner that night and have it ready to go when it's time to eat that evening (the most novel idea I've stumbled across lately).

4. Clean your house leisurely (at this point in the pregnancy, 5 minutes of activity requires a 30 min break)--sweep, mop, dust, vacuum, clean mirrors, straighten up--so that you can relax in a clean house later.

5. Eat the lunch you prepared for yourself in the crockpot the day before (thank you emealz for making my life better).

6. Get your comfy spot ready on the couch and put Twilight in the dvd player.

7. Watch Twilight with the windows open so there is just enough of a chill in the air that you can bundle up in a cozy blanket.

8. Take an afternoon nap for a couple hours after Twilight goes off until your husband gets home from work.

9. Cook the only part left of your dinner--noodles (7 minutes) and stick the brownies in the oven while you eat dinner.

10. Eat brownies with blue bell homemade vanilla ice cream, homemade chocolate sauce, and fresh strawberries for dessert.

11. Read on the couch the rest of the evening until you fall asleep.

THE END.

a day off

2011-04-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

Brady is spending the day with his dad so I have the whole day to myself!

What should I do? What should I do?

Hmmm...

I coud rest. Read. Sip on decaf hot tea. Watch the Twilight saga. Don't hate.

It's completely mindless and would be perfect for a day of relaxation.

I could dust and sweep and mop. It's not that I find

doing those things to be relaxing, but I can relax better in a clean house.

I could repaint the nursery (yeah, the first color just isn't doing it for me)

...sigh...do I have that in me???

I coud go through my warmer weather clothes and see what I can use so we can pack

the rest back away in the attic. I could sleep. I slept 10 1/2 hours last night

and it was pretty much fantastic. I could still sleep more, though.

I guess I'll just see what strikes my fancy and do that. Sometimes I like to surprise myself!

I hope you have a great day!

just go with it

2011-04-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

{image found here}

As I was checking out my favorite blogs earlier, I came across this on Donald Miller's blog. I love Donald Miller. I needed to read this today.

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is from Wonderboys, when Katie Holmes character reminds Professor Tripp that “writers have to make decisions.” What she meant was a book only starts taking shape when a writer decides to go somewhere and then takes action in that direction.

Kinda like life, I think. Just decide and move. Just write the thing.

There are a million decisions to make about baby that have been weighing me down. I mean, what if I make the wrong one and totally mess him up, you know? Actually, I only kind of believe that, and that is mostly when I'm just flipping out and panicking about everything. I certainly think there is right and wrong, but I think there is a whole lot more gray than people want to admit. I don't want to be the mom, or the person, who makes a decision and then gets on my high horse and judges others for not making the same one I made. For example, we've decided to cloth diaper. It just seems like the best choice for our family. We based that mostly on financial reasons. But if you don't use cloth diapers then we can still be BFF. I have no beef with disposables. As a matter of fact we'll be using those, too, when people buy them for us. That's a somewhat trivial example, but it's how I feel about a lot of things.

I read and research and study and think and pray over decisions and let myself get so bogged down, when really I think God probably just wants to give me a good kick in the pants and say "enough, just choose a path." I get so caught up in the decision making that I don't make a decision and then I feel like I'm suspended in some in between. It's miserable. I need to choose a path and own it. If it turns out to be the wrong one then I can change my mind and admit to messing up. I don't love being wrong or messing up, but even more than my personal fear is a fear of what others will think. Sometimes it feels like I'm walking a tight rope and there are some who are looking up, cheering me on, and then there are others who are waiting for me to fall off so they can get a good laugh or tell everyone else "see, I told you so." It's those who are waiting for me to mess up that keep me afraid. I don't want people being negative. I want to live in a happy place where we all encourage and love one another and spur one another on. I don't want to wait for people to mess up so I can kick them while they're down, and I don't want others waiting for me to mess up. Because I will. Always, I will. It's difficult enough to mess up without having others rub it in your face.

But then, those stories where it's all roses and sunshine all the time don't really do it for me, you know? There's no real plot. It all just seems kind of cheesy and unrealistic. I realize that for any good story, or life, to be interesting, there will have to be ups and downs. That's what keeps you turning the page. It would be nice to live in happy land all the time, but I think I'd get bored. What would I talk about? When would I ever experience anger or hurt so that I could know how good it feels to be happy or comforted?

In the end I think we all just have to make our own decisions and go with them. The Bible tells us to work out our OWN salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12). I'm responsible for me. I can't worry about what other people will think or say about the decisions I make. I have to make the best decisions I can for me and my family and look only to God. He's the only one I have to answer to. It's really a lot easier when I'm only having to answer to a party of one. My mind can become clouded so quickly, though, when other people think I'm accountable to them, too, about everything. I'll just have to remind myself frequently that I am working to please God and not man (Gal. 1:10). Besides, if we always choose the path of least resistance, we'll never get a chance to exercise our muscles!

Wow, this ballooned from being about baby to being about everything in life.

Anyway, there are decisions to be made so I think I'll just make them and get this life rolling! It's gonna be fun!

the post where i unload on you

2011-04-01T08:24:00.001-05:00

belly + flowers

Lately I've been thinking about how I need to slow down and smell the flowers. Actually I feel like if I don't do it of my own volition then my body will force me to do it. I can't keep up this pace. I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of rest. But it's a catch 22. I am tired and need rest yet there is much to be done. We are having a baby and my belly keeps getting bigger each week letting me know that he is growing and getting ready to make his debut. My pregnancy app on my iphone still notifies me of each passing week. Time is slipping away.

There is a nursery to be decorated. We need to finish registering. I want to make curtains. I have lots of books to read before baby comes. Childbirth classes. Breastfeeding classes. CPR and first aid classes. Cleaning out the kitchen to make room for baby stuff. There are containers of my spring clothes in the baby's room that need to be gone through to see what I can use for this season. I want to stock my freezer with homemade goodies that we can heat and eat after baby comes so that we don't have to cook for a while. I need to find a pediatrician. I need to pre-register at the hospital. We still have things to buy to prepare for baby's arrival. Sigh...I don't even know what else...

I love being pregnant and this has been the happiest time of our lives. However, lest you think it's all good all the time, I should mention why I am so tired. I wake in the middle of the night with killer leg cramps. That is in addition to the two or so times I wake to use the bathroom. Then, even though I don't get a consecutive eight hours (which is very much needed in order for me to be a good person), I wake up early and can't go back to sleep because of general aches and pains. It's difficult to roll over in bed at night to get comfortable because the muscles in my belly pull, so lots of times I'll just stay in an uncomfortable position to avoid the discomfort of moving. Lose, Lose. Then, throughout the day, just breathing exhausts me. When I am tired, I get very emotional. I cry. I lose my temper. I am mean.

For example...I am awake all through the night because I can't sleep. When I am awake, I get to hear Matthew snoring like a champ in his deep slumber. He falls asleep before his head ever even hits the pillow and then he sleeps all night. THEN, all day long I get to hear (and see) him yawn in this overly dramatic way that just ticks me off. Why is he yawning? I was awake all night listening to him snore so what could possibly be making him so tired? I realize he is picking up all of the slack that I am just unable to carry. I know that makes him tired having to add that on top of all the other things he does in a day. But really? The dramatics are killing me. It makes me so ill. I love him, but these hormones and this tiredness just say "ENOUGH ALREADY!" See? Tired...ill...lose my temper...mean. I know. Terrible.

I just want to crawl in bed and stay there for a few days...well, weeks. I can't, though. The baby needs me. Is this what motherhood feels like? You sacrifice for your child and then sometimes you get ill about it. Then when you want to do for yourself, you feel guilty because you know the child needs you. What a cycle.

I hate being negative about this. I couldn't be happier about us having a baby and I will do anything for him, but this is me being real. I bet there are a lot of folks out there who can be Little Miss Sunshine always about everything, but I'm not one of them. Today I needed to be honest. Today I needed to confess that this is hard. I think I just need your good thoughts and prayers. Isn't that what we're supposed to do for each other? If I keep everything to myself and paint a picture of perfection then how will my friends know I need their prayers? I think honesty and vulnerability are what keep us connected to one another.

Thanks for letting me unload.

story time

2011-03-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

Matthew reads to Amos. It is the sweetest thing in the whole wide world. It melts my heart into a big ol' puddle of sugar. He reads him the books we've bought for his own library collection and then he moves on to heavier things...like the Greek New Testament. He has been reading to him from the book of John (in Greek). Amos kicks a lot when he reads. His hearing is developed enough that he can hear his daddy's deep voice AND recognize it. How completely amazing is our God? I mean that is incredible!

As an aside, that is not my belly button popped out that you see. It's the drawstring from my pajamas. My belly button looks...I don't know...the same? Maybe stretched out a bit? Definitely not popped out, though.

happy things

2011-03-29T08:16:00.000-05:00

After being caffeine free since I found out I was pregnant, this Baskin Robbins cappuccino blast never tasted better...EVER! I've been waiting on you for weeks, old friend! YUM!

BBQ nachos at The Commissary. Made my lunch!

Talking with lots of good friends about their labor and delivery stories. I feel so encouraged and more relaxed. I have been incredibly anxious about childbirth, but I'm feeling like "YES I CAN" now.

I can't lie...my favorite part about this Memphis trip so far has been all the attention my pregnant belly has received! Make my life! I LOVE IT!!! I always thought there were few things in life more adorable than a newborn baby and a pregnant belly. I am so thankful that I get to be on the receiving side and not just the adoring side now.

Hanging out with friends and chatting it up 'til the wee hours of the morning. So encouraging and good for the soul!

Being with my husband. I relish these last trips as a family of two. I so look forward to us becoming a family of three, but these moments of just the two of us are to be cherished.

walking in memphis

2011-03-28T08:43:00.000-05:00

{from our trip to Gulf Shores last week}

We are in Memphis this week visiting Matthew's alma mater. It's so fun coming back up here every year. This is the place where our love really blossomed. Being here is like revisiting a very special part of our love story. Let me tell you how it all happened...

I was a junior in high school when Matthew was a mere freshman. Yes, I am older. We were both in the band and we both played the saxophone. I was kinda popular and Matthew was kinda goofy (I mean, he was just a freshman...15 years old...you see what I mean, right?). For kicks I decided to start flirting with him just to mess around a little and have some fun. It was an awesome way to kill time at band practice. He ate it up just like I anticipated:) The thing I did not expect was that I realized how cool he was. I thought he was just a goofball at first, but the more we hung out, the cooler he became to me. So what started out as a little tease developed into a great friendship. Soon, we were inseparable. We sat together on the band bus and beside each other at all the practices and games and competitions. People started associating the two of us together as a couple, not really a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of couple, just a couple of friends. We went together in that way. Everyone knew it. They came to expect us to be seen together.

Our band friendship spilled over into everyday life. We started passing notes to each other in the hallway between classes. Sometimes we'd meet up and talk for a few minutes before the bell rang. My classmates really started ragging me about it. He was younger...and still a little goofy after all. But I saw so much more in him. We were great friends. One night I decided to give him a call and invite him to the FCS (Fellowship of Christian Students) meeting the next morning. It was our first phone conversation. It was then that we talked a bit about religion. He went to a different church than I did. To him that was a big deal. I couldn't really understand that. That phone call is what led to so many more religious discussions between us. Some were heated and upsetting and others were really great. It was in those conversations that we both realized we couldn't be more than friends because our beliefs were so different. That was okay, though, we were still great friends. Pretty much all of our classmates and teachers assumed we'd end up together. We both knew that could never happen because neither of us would budge on our beliefs and we didn't want to compromise them just to be a couple.

I moved away to college the summer I graduated high school. Matthew wrote me letters faithfully. Sometimes he would include religious tracts. He was trying to convince me of what he believed. I read them and studied them, but remained firm in my convictions. I dated other people along the way. He never really did. I didn't know it for sure at the time, but he later told me that he had it bad for me. I love that! He pursued me like crazy. He worked so hard to try to convert me so that we could be together. The years continued to pass. I could count on handwritten letters every week from Matthew. I wrote him back, but not always as faithfully as he wrote me. After I had been away at college for two years, and had mostly been in contact with him through letters, I saw him at his high school graduation. My sister was graduating (they were in the same class). He got up to give his salutatory address and I was smitten. I was reminded of how incredibly awesome this guy was. I knew, but it's almost like I had forgotten since we'd been apart for a while. His salutatory address made my heart go pitter patter like never before. I am so attracted to smart and nerdy!

After the graduation ceremony I went up to him and hugged and congratulated him. I invited him to come over to my house later. He invited me to his graduation party. I went to his party. Then he went to hang out with his guy friends at Waffle House. He stopped by my house after that. It was that night that we confessed our feelings for one another. There was some definite attraction between us, but we had never expressed it. That was the summer of our content:) We were a couple. Everything was perfect. We were happy and in love. But we both knew it couldn't last. We still had such different religious views. At the end of the summer I had to put an end to the relationship. It couldn't work with us not being on the same page. That was a sad time. Matthew was crushed.

Eight months passed where we had no contact with each other. I was sad. Matthew was sad. Then one day in April I decided to call him. It was so good to hear his voice. He was in his apartment studying for his class on John. He was in preaching school in Memphis at this point. I was so glad to have the line of communication opened back up between us. He still loved me. He didn't say it then, but he did. He started buying me all of the books he was studying in preaching school and sending them to me to study for myself. I studied them. I asked questions. I wondered how he could be so convinced of his beliefs when I felt like they were so wrong. He was so smart and he could answer my questions with scripture. I liked that. I met with every single person I looked up to in my religious circle. Mostly they warned me to stay away from him, but I never felt like they answered my questions with scripture. Why would I want to stay away from this man that I loved if I knew he was not right spiritually? I could not understand why no one would help me teach him the truth so that his soul would be okay. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? I mean, if he was so wrong then let's all help him to see the right way, not avoid him. I loved him for crying out loud. I wanted him to be right.

Matthew answered all of my questions with scripture and in the end I couldn't deny that. It was a difficult decision, but after six years I was convinced it was the right one. I was baptized. He baptized me. That night, with my hair still wet, he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was finally official! We weren't just hanging out or going on dates, we were official! It was awesome! That was in August. The following June he asked me to marry him and we were married that November.

Twelve years after it all began I am carrying his child. I love it! Sometimes I still can't even believe it! We've grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. We've changed for the better. We are about to have a child together. I've never been happier or more in love with him! I am so excited about what the future holds for our family. I love where we are, but being here in Memphis reminds me of where we began. Really, we began way before Memphis, but this is where Matthew was when we took on the official status of girlfriend/boyfriend. We dated back home, but the times I came up here to visit him are such special times. We still giggle about the baseball field, or remember that time at Starbucks, or our date at Outback. We drive by his old apartment and smile.

I love our story. And twelve years in is only the beginning.

happy friday

2011-03-25T08:22:00.001-05:00

{found here}

Happy Friday to you all!

I am so looking forward to this weekend!

We are going out of town next week, and we get to stop by and visit

with some friends of ours on the way this weekend!

YAY!

They are expecting their fourth child and I cannot wait to get all the

wisdom I can from them! I went to college with them and

then we lost touch for a few years afterwards.

BUT THEN...I was sitting in a women's class

at at a church leadership conference and I saw my friend across the room.

Let me tell you, it was a shocker! Of all the places in the world, I would

never in a million years have expected to see them at this

particular conference. They thought the same of me.

We were all super involved in our campus ministry in college, but this

particular leadership conference was put on by the Church of Christ, and that was not

what we were part of in college. Come to find out, she and her husband had

started attending the Church of Christ and eventually he went to preaching

school. About that same time was when I started attending the Church of Christ

and then married my own preacher man!

Small world!

It has been so incredibly wonderful to reconnect with them. We are coming from the

same place and we knew each other way back when. I love friends.

And she is having a baby shower this weekend! I get to go! They are having

a boy, too, and we've already planned it out that our little guys will be best friends!

Segue...

Unfortunately I did not pass my one hour glucose tolerance test at my doctor's

appointment yesterday. Boo. So that means that I have to go back next week for a three hour test.

If I fail that one it means I have gestational diabetes. I really am not surprised. I had some

insulin issues in college and then I was diagnosed with PCOS which has so much to do with insulin

resistance. I'll have to follow a strict diet, but I should really be doing that anyway since

I already knew I had these insulin issues. I want to do everything I can to make sure

that the baby and I stay healthy.

On a brighter note, I've only gained three pounds so far, and I am 26 weeks pregnant!

I've mentioned to you all about my ravenous appetite lately so I am VERY happy! I was expecting

MUCH worse! My doctor and nurse were proud of me so I'll take it. Take that you ladies who

made those not nice remarks. I'm just asking for it...I'll gain fifty pounds now. I need to shut my mouth.

Sometimes I just can't help myself.

I think I'll order some books now. I mean, could this day get any better???

Happy Friday, friends!

birthday cake

2011-03-24T07:03:00.001-05:00

{from here via here}

**Is that how you say that/ the right order? I found it at life rearranged and she found it at the original source.**

My 30th birthday is still many months away, nine months to be exact,

but it's never too soon to start planning, right?

I saw this cake and I am in love! It looks so womanly. And let's face it, 30 = womanly.

Am I right? Yes.

And I want those really tall candles.

I am so looking forward to my 30s. My thoughts have always been that your 20s are

the perfect time to search and find who you are. Sometimes you flounder in the process

and it makes that decade seem, I don't know, rocky??

But then, by the time you reach your 30s, you are more settled into who you

are and where you are going in life. So your 30s seem like you're entering into calmer waters, so to speak. What makes it even better for me is that I get to enter a new decade of my life as

a mom! I mean what says settled more than parenthood? YAY!

out of control

2011-03-23T07:03:00.003-05:00

{found here}

In my last post I talked about how I really don't like not being in control. Well, that thought spilled over into my dreams last night.

I was at Walmart looking at Easter dresses, of all things, and I ran into a family from church. We chatted it up and then continued with our shopping. A little later I found out that their young daughter had gotten lost. I began helping them look for her.

End scene at Walmart and begin in a field of horses with police officers.

So I'm randomly transported to this field of horses and police officers and am still searching for the little girl. She comes skipping out of the woods and I go to her. The police officer calls her parents. We play as we wait for her parents to arrive. A horse comes up to us and it's so cute. We see momma horses and their ponies. It's all very sweet. The little girl and I decided to sit down on the ground.

When we sat down a large horse came over to us. The horse put his hoof on me. At first, I thought he was playing and trying to shake my hand like you teach a dog to shake your hand. But then he started pushing down. He forced his weight on me and caused me to fall back on the ground. His hoof was pressed into my shoulder so that I couldn't move. The police officer was trying to reassure me by telling me that the horse was probably just playing and he'd move in a minute. He told me to just try and stay calm. I was trying, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. I was beginning to panic.

I remained still as long as I could, but with my pregnant belly, it was getting so uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe and I was worried for the baby. I started trying to roll over and push the horse off me, but had no luck. I was trapped. I was out of control. Someone--some thing--had a power over me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I don't know what the horse represents specifically. There are so many applications. All of my worries could be that horse. Everything that I feel like I don't have a firm grasp on is that horse. Losing control in childbirth. Adding a third to an already "well-oiled" family of two. My weight. Bringing a soul into the world who can make his own choices that won't always be what I would choose for him. Finances. Breastfeeding. Sleep. My body (because I'm certainly not in control of it anymore). You name it.

Dreams can be so powerful.

growing vulnerable

2011-03-22T07:03:00.007-05:00

I watch my belly move as Amos kicks and pushes and I laugh. Sometimes I cry. Always, I marvel.

I think about how my life is changing and I am so full of gratitude and love and happiness.

As I watch my belly move I think about how I plan to spend all my time after he is born just watching him. I want to watch him sleep, cry, breathe. I want to know the faces he makes when he's dreaming. I want to memorize him. I want to know every wrinkle on his body.

I'll never get anything else done, and that will be more than okay because I know that he will grow and change so fast that I can't afford to waste my time on such trivial things as dishes and vacuuming. Those things can wait, but I can't stop him from changing.

My belly has changed so much just in the past week. Everyone who sees me on a regular basis has commented on how it's changing. If a belly can change so much, just imagine how a baby can change in a week.

Oh, I can't even imagine that. Not yet.

Pregnancy has given new meaning to the words amazing and wonderful.

I find myself watching Matthew more, too. When he's falling asleep at night, I'll just stare at him. In those moments I can feel my heart getting bigger. I can feel my love for him growing. He gave me this child. He helped to make my dream come true. He played a part in making me feel like my life has meaning and purpose again. How could my love for him not grow? I'll stare at his peaceful face and hope that Amos will look just like him. I feel closer to him. I am connected to him in a physical way. Part of him is growing in me. Every time Amos kicks I not only think of my son, but also my husband.

My heart feels so tender right now. I feel vulnerable. The person who can hurt me the deepest is the person I love the most, my husband, and adding Amos to our family will add even more love, and inevitably, more hurt. That makes me feel less in control. I'm okay with that, though. They couldn't hurt me if I didn't love them so much and I want to love them. So the hurt will just have to come. I don't mean that in a pessimistic way. I just mean that when you love someone so much, they have a power over you. You give that to them. You give it willingly because you do love them. That's why I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I'm opening my heart up fully to another person and allowing them that power over me. I don't readily or easily give up my control to someone else. I like control. So this is good and scary, too.

I love who I am becoming. I love how I am changing. I love that areas of my heart that were once cold and calloused are being warmed and made softer, even if it means I cry more and get my feelings hurt easily. I'm realizing I'd rather be that way than how I was.

tired, anxious, fat, and a perk

2011-03-21T15:52:00.000-05:00

Today I have been feeling so tired. Last week was spring break and you'd think I'd be well rested, but I am exhausted. I cleaned the house at the beginning of the week. On Wednesday and Thursday I visited with my friend, Stephanie. Then Matthew and I made a spur of the moment decision to crash my sister's family spring break trip in Gulf Shores. It was so much fun! Brady was tired today too. He napped all morning. He doesn't usually do that, but he apparently needed to catch up on some rest too. We had church from 9:30-2 yesterday so I came home and crashed for the rest of the day. Even still, I have felt so tired today. On top of feeling tired, I am feeling anxious as well.

Do you know that feeling you get when you have a lot to do and you're running out of time? That's how I feel. I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I know I still have a ways to go, but the thing is that I am concerned that this tired feeling isn't going to go away. That limits what I can do. For example, on a good day, I can get myself dressed, get up and down off of the couch, prepare lunch and dinner, and make frequent bathroom trips. I may be able to handle two outings in a week, but that's gonna have to come with days of rest in between. That's about it. On a bad day, forget it all...except the bathroom trips. So the ever-growing list of things I want to do is overwhelming me. I mean I can barely roll over in bed without some aches and pains, and forget just hopping right up in the morning. I have to get my momentum going to propel myself out of the bed.

I feel anxious because I was scared to do anything related to preparing for the baby until after 20 weeks. In five weeks I feel like I have gotten a lot done, but there is still so much to do and I'm afraid my time of feeling incredible is waning. Plus, I am beginning to have lots of anxious thoughts about labor, what I will be like as a mother, how my relationship with Matthew will change, am I going to gain too much weight, will I be pretty after I have the baby, what if breastfeeding hurts too bad, will I be overwhelmed by all the visitors at the hospital, will I be sad if we don't have many visitors, will something be wrong with the baby, how will I make it on little sleep, what if, what if, what if...

For the first part of my pregnancy I did so good with my weight, but for the past few weeks all I've done is eat, eat, eat. It's like I am starving to death and I can't get enough food. I feel sick when I try not to eat much. I mean what am I supposed to do? I try to listen to my body and not overeat, but even cutting back just a little leaves me nauseous and unsatisfied. I like to think that it's Amos letting me know that he needs food so he can grow. I do my best to make healthy choices, but even that has been more difficult in the past few weeks when I find myself going from full to starving in .02 seconds and I have to have something right that minute or else I won't make it. My belly has gotten so big and I love it!!! Amos is kicking more forcefully so I can tell he is growing and gaining strength and that makes me so happy! However, I don't want to gain in other places. I don't want a double or triple chin. My arms, legs, rear, you name it, are all big enough already.

What really adds to it all are a couple of comments I've received from older ladies who tell me I need to watch my weight since I'm already overweight. Those comments really hurt my feelings. Actually, they cut right to my heart. These women said that to me in the very beginning of my pregnancy when I was losing weight. So imagine what they might think of me if I actually start gaining. Even though they said it to me in the very beginning, those words have stuck with me and I can't shake them. It makes me mad that people would make those comments and that I would allow them to make me feel like gaining weight while growing another human being in my body makes me a lazy, overeating, pig of a person. I hate it when I let people get to me. I know it's my choice how I respond to people, but when did being polite and encouraging fall by the wayside? Is it really too much to ask that people think before they speak?

I'm emotional too. And very needy. I just can't help it. It's pregnancy. I love being able to play that card. So even when I'm down and tired and all that, I still have that perk--the pregnancy card. And it's a great perk!

dear amos...when people are mean to you

2011-03-14T10:53:00.000-05:00

{from Joy's Hope}

Dear Amos,

It makes me sad to have to tell you this, but not everyone will like you or be nice to you. We all have different personalities and different opinions and ideas, and that doesn't always add up to everyone being best friends. It often adds up to conflict. I have a lot to learn concerning how to deal with this, myself. You have a mother who is not perfect. I know, shocker, right? Well, I'm far from perfect. I pray that you will see past my imperfections and grow to be a good person anyway. The fact is that you won't like everyone either. Again, we have different personalities. I don't think we have to like everyone. Even Jesus had his closest friends. I do think we have to show love to everyone. I will always make you be nice to all people, but you don't have to be best friends with everyone.

So how do you handle yourself when people are mean to you?

You let them be mean.

You don't have to let people walk all over you and you certainly don't have to be someone's punching bag, but don't ever add fuel to their fire. You can stand up for the truth and defend yourself in that sense, but, honestly, they aren't going to hear you. So oftentimes, it's best just to let them have their say and walk away.

I really have a difficult time with this idea. It goes against my very nature. I want to tell people off and put them in their place and, sometimes, when it's really bad, I admit to wanting to punch them in the face. I always think that that would make me feel so much better. But none of that is the correct response. I think to respond in those way is to diminish who God is. When we try to take matters into our own hands, I think we are saying that we don't believe God. It's like saying that we know how to deal with something better than God does.

Ultimately, the only thing that matters is what is vertical--that is you and God. Sure, we should be at peace with our fellow man, but what I mean is that when people are mean to you, that is between them and God. It has absolutely nothing at all to do with you...UNTIL you respond. Your response is what matters. If you respond poorly, then you are no better than the one being mean and you have become at odds with God. If you choose to believe that God is big enough to handle it just how he says he will, then you remain okay with God. It is the other person who will have to answer for their choices.

The sad thing is that sometimes people are mean and they don't even know it. Maybe they think they are defending a noble cause and to be loud and angry is a righteous way to defend it. The only thing we can do is to pray for others. And, Amos, that sounds so easy, but it's not. When someone has hurt you, the most difficult thing to do is to pray for them. You see, our heart can get so filled with hurt and anger and bitterness if we let it. And it's easy for that to happen when we've been hurt, but if we are to do what is right in God's sight, we can't let that anger and bitterness build and fester. We have to get rid of it. The best way to do that is to pray for the other person, but it's also the hardest way.

You can't control how people act or what they say. You can't control anything about another person. The only thing you can control is yourself.

lisa leonard giveaway

2011-03-10T08:40:00.000-06:00

Lisa Leonard is having an awesome giveaway today!

I would love to have one of these my treasure necklaces. I would get Matthew and Amos on the charms because they are who I treasure most. I love to fill mason jars. A mason jar is such a versatile thing. I have two vintage blue ones in my bathroom, and I like to put coffee beans in the ones in my kitchen. Sometimes I'll put fun candy for the boys out on the counter in a mason jar.

I hope I win, but if you do then I'll be happy for you too.

So head on over and leave a comment to try to win one of these special necklaces.

Good luck!

a few of my favorite things

2011-03-10T08:10:00.001-06:00

I wanted to share some things I've really enjoyed lately with you all. Maybe you'll like them too.

PG tips decaf tea.

My friend, Emily, brewed us each a cup of this hot English tea the other day at her house.

We were enjoying a lovely afternoon of conversation and togetherness while the children

played. This was such a nice treat. I was so thankful for the break in my all water

routine. I gave up caffeine when I got pregnant and have mostly been drinking water. Water is

good and satisfying and it makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing for the baby, but it sure is

nice to take a small break from it occasionally. I like this with a little sugar and some milk.

Amos Lee Mission Bell

I love this CD with my whole heart. If I had to choose a favorite artist right this very minute,

I would choose Amos Lee. His music is exactly what I'm into lately--mellow, folky, easy on the

ears. I love his voice. We did not choose to name our son after him, but we both love him.

My friend, Amelia, pointed out that it's pretty cool that Amos's new CD has a crow on the cover.

Coincidence? I think not...it's probably a sign that we chose the best name ever:) And while we're

on that subject, I did learn something interesting just by listening to this CD. Did you know that a

group of crows is called a murder? Like oh, gee, look at that murder of crows fly by.

Weird, right? So basically now that we're adding a third to the family we can be a murder.

Here comes the murder...gangsta! Watch out!

Suave Rosemary Mint shampoo and conditioner

I used to be a real snob when it came to shampoo and conditioner. I only used the best. I think it

paid off, too, because my long hair rarely had split ends and my hair stylist always commented

that my hair was very healthy. However, now that I have short hair, I find that I don't need

those expensive products. In fact, what I once used now weighs my hair down. On a whim I started

using Matthew's shampoo and conditioner. He uses Suave. I loved it! I haven't gone

back to the expensive stuff since. We get our hair cut at an Aveda salon and I am serious when

I tell you that this stuff smells just like the Rosemary Mint stuff from Aveda. And believe me, it costs

WAY less! I've used the Aveda stuff too and this satisfies me just as well. You can't beat the price!

I love that it truly does make me feel awake and invigorated in the mornings when I take my shower.

Maybelline ColorSensational Totally Toffee Lipcolor

Matthew got me this lipcolor as a stocking stuffer for Christmas and it's all I've used since.

I'm normally a lip gloss only kind of girl, Bonne Bell Lip Smacker Strawberry, to be exact (since

high school). I love this particular lipcolor, though. It's just the right color to make my lips

look natural, but still give them a little oomph that I think is really pretty. It's not sticky or heavy.

I hate that about lipsticks. This is really smooth and light. They have a lot of awesome colors, but

this one is my choice for now. It really brightens my face up without making me look like a clown.

I might even be turing into that woman who thinks you should always have on

lipstick when you go out. I never was before, but this kind is causing me to convert.

I hope some of my favorite things might become some of yours. I really like seeing what kinds of things other people like so I thought I'd share mine with you all. And I hope you like them. I hate

recommending stuff that turns out to be duds for others.

love never fails

2011-03-09T09:11:00.000-06:00

{found here}

Last night as I was blog hopping, I came across a post that really resonated with me. I found it via Angie Smith's blog Bring the Rain.

I should preface this by saying that I do believe that there is truth and we can know it. However, it seems that sometimes we can fall into the belief that our opinions are truth and we try to bind those opinions on others. That is what I read this post to be about. I am not in any way suggesting that everything is truth and we all have different paths to get there. Just read it for yourself here.

lavender baths and a guest blogger

2011-03-08T10:17:00.000-06:00

The other evening as I was taking a lavender bath, my almost daily ritual, something so wonderful happened.

You see, I know there are some out there who think a hot bath is not good during pregnancy because it could cause your body temperature to go up which could cause harm to the development of the baby. But then you have the other camp who says a nice, hot (not scalding) bath is a very good thing. It helps you to relax. I so agree with that school of thought. Besides, in our little tub there is no way that my entire body could be immersed in the water so it's highly unlikely that the half a leg that does get covered with water is going to cause my temperature to go up. Plus my doctor not only approves of it, but encourages it.

So almost every evening, I draw my bath water and sprinkle in a few drops of lavender essential oil that my friend, Amelia, gave me a while back. Sometimes I take a book. Sometimes I take my iphone. Sometimes I listen to something mellow like Amos Lee on Pandora. Sometimes I turn off the lights and light candles or use lamps. It's one of my most favorite times of my day. I always breathe deep and let myself completely relax. If I have had a particularly stressful day or if something happened that I did not like at all, I will tell Matthew that I need to take a bath to wash it all away. You should really try it. Just visualize that yucky day being washed away and going down the drain. Tell the nastiness of whatever happened to you, buh-bye, and don't think about it any more that day. You've been cleaned from it. It really works. Honest!

Anyway, as I was relaxing in my bath reading, Amos started kicking quite forcefully. When I got toward the bottom of the page in my book I noticed that just under the book my belly leapt. Amos actually moved so much that it was noticeable outside of my body. I yelled for Matthew, who was in the dining room working on our taxes, to come quickly (he can come in the bathroom with me because we're married, you know--so many benefits). So he ran in the bathroom and I told him to feel of my belly. Immediately he felt Amos kick. He has felt him very faintly twice before, but this time there was no denying it. That was his boy in there kicking. He was amazed! He jumped back and was giddy and bouncing around and full of excitement! He said he had to go email a friend right then who had been asking when he would feel his baby move. They are a month behind us in their pregnancy. After he emailed him I told him to come watch my belly. So he knelt down beside the tub and waited. It wasn't long before he saw it move. Again, he was completely amazed! It was such a special time.

I've asked Matthew if he would share his thoughts on that special moment...

Though I did not think I would feel this way, in the past few weeks I've been a little jealous. You see, though we're having a son the only evidence I have of this is my wife's growing belly and glowing disposition (both of which I greatly enjoy seeing!). This is not to say that I'm dissatisfied, but that most of the day Jessica feels our son and I do not. Randomly throughout the day she may say, "Amos is really moving around down there!" I smile. It makes me happy.

But I've wanted to feel him. I want to hold him in my arms like she holds him in her belly. As Jessica mentioned above, I felt him move very faintly some time ago but have not felt him move again until Saturday. But boy, did I feel him move then! I stretched my hand across her belly as much as I could, hoping to cover as much area in case he decided to push with his feet, arms, or even head (I wanted to be prepared). Then I felt it. *bump* I mean, there was clearly something moving inside her belly! The last time I felt him, it was very faint, almost as if I could have imagined it because I wanted to feel it so badly. But this time there was no mistaking the evidence. I have a son in there! Then Jessica said, "Watch." I watched for only a few seconds when her belly, right above her belly button, moved. Admittedly, it's kinda weird on a superficial level, but it's wonderful when you think about it.

I remember our friends Jimmy & Lori when they were expecting. Lori's belly was quite large and Jimmy would keep his hand on it to feel their son, Caleb, move. I keep my hand on Jessica's belly sometimes but I look forward to the time when Amos grows big enough for me to feel him move a lot more. In the meantime, though, I'll enjoy every minute of watching my wife's belly (and her heart) grow for our son.

I love my husband! He is so sweet!

easter dress

2011-03-07T08:42:00.000-06:00

Isn't this the sweetest, most romantic, feminine dress? I have a couple

dresses from eShakti and I really like them. I wonder if I can take my measurements

and have it customized to fit my growing belly? I would love for this to be my Easter

dress this year. Of course I'd get Matthew something that matches, maybe

a peachy shirt with a coordinating tie. I love for us to match on Easter.

I can't wait for Amos to get here so we can add one more matcher to the bunch!

happy days

2011-03-05T13:00:00.002-06:00

things that are making me happy...

a new camera lens (with a super discount because we took the display model which still has the same warranty and everything!) so i can become a master photographer and live out my dream. or

just take super cute pictures of baby boy. whichever.

a day spent at cottontails with my sister and nephews. there were so many

moms with little babies and pregnant bellies. i felt inspired.

everyone was dressed super cute and they had even their tiniest of babes

out and about for a day on the town. it gave me hope that i will look cute

and get out of the house before baby boy turns 1.

matthew bringing home street cafe after spending an entire day in solitude at the library

working on his thesis. plus i picked up chocolate cake from pfchangs for our dessert. we

spent the entire evening on the couch watching movies
(my choice-the money pit, his choice-inception) and relaxing. perfection.

the laziest saturday morning ever which will be followed by dreamland ribs on a date

out with my man.

the sweetest outfit for amos that i bought at cottontails. he will be my preppy little baby boy.

better hair days.

an email from a friend asking to come stay with us for a bit during spring break. yay!

a message from a friend asking us to come stay with them soon.

another message from a friend wanting us to get together with the hubbies for some

MUCH NEEDED catching up time. can't wait!

friends. just friends. aren't they great?

nursery curtains--the preparations

2011-03-03T08:16:00.000-06:00

I am so excited to make the curtains for our son's nursery. I have not sewn since junior high home ec classes. That was a long time ago, like maybe 14 years. That is a long time to go through life without using a sewing machine. I have managed an occasional hand-sewn project--stitching up a ripped pair of jeans, mending a hole in a shirt, I even made the straps on a shirt shorter so it would be a bit more modest on my chest. But I feel confident, or maybe the word is determined. Yes, determined. I don't think I feel confident at all.

I was inspired by the curtains an old college friend made for her son's nursery. She is very talented, a graphic designer to be exact, but I felt like I could give these panels a go.

I love the idea that the fabric doesn't match the quilt we chose for his room. It complements it, but without being matchy-matchy.

I didn't really even know where to begin so I googled how to measure the yardage for curtains. This is what I found and it looked good enough for me. Matthew helped me do the measuring. I always rounded over so I'd be sure to have enough in case I messed up. This was definitely not an exact science.

After I got all my measurements I ordered the fabric last night! So as soon as it comes in I'll keep you updated on my progress! I am really looking forward to creating something with my hands for my son's room. I could go buy some curtains, but I want to be involved in the creating of his nursery on a more intimate level. I want to get my hands dirty in the process so to speak. I'm hoping that this project will be a success and I can feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in my creating.

today i...

2011-03-02T14:20:00.001-06:00

am tired.

woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose.

am ill--probably because of the two reasons listed above.

really don't like my new haircut AT ALL.

could just kick myself for getting all of my long, pretty hair chopped off on a whim.

feel like crying.

am melancholy and that's okay because don't we all have those days occasionally?

am just going to let myself feel these things and hope that I wake up feeling better tomorrow.

i am enough! and other things...

2011-02-28T09:09:00.000-06:00

Well, after my last post I sought some advice. I talked with older moms and younger moms and folks who aren't moms yet. I basically realized that these feelings are perfectly normal. They assured me that it is very natural to be completely consumed by baby right now. I mean he is inside of me. He is part of me. He depends on me 100% for his everything. We are like one person, so it's understandable. They said I'd feel this way for a while, that I'd be consumed for a long time. Then, one day, Matthew and I will emerge into life as a family of three and things we'll be back to a new kind of normal. Until then, it will be life consuming and that is good. I think it feels good. As a matter of fact I find complete satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment in this place. I guess my concern was more what other people thought of me now that I am becoming something different--a mother. I think it's like anything in life. We experience growing pains. Any time we enter a new phase it's a little awkward at first while you learn how to use these new parts of yourself. But it's good. I'm good. I'm glad.

P.S. Thanks to all of my awesome blog friends for your sweet words of encouragement!

*********************************

I am making this for our dinner tonight. Easy and good. I think we'll have turnip greens with it because baby needs his greens and momma needs her iron and fiber.

********************************

We're supposed to have bad weather in these parts today. I never get anxious about the weather, but lately I have been on edge any time bad weather approaches. I wonder if it's some sort of maternal instinct. Like a momma cub protecting her baby cub kind of thing. When all of life was about me it was no big deal, but now I have this other helpless person who needs me to watch out for him.

********************************

Matthew and I had the best Sunday afternoon. We tried out a new restaurant in the mall. It was tasty. Then we shopped around Gap. He got a new outfit. He's wearing it today and he looks SO handsome! I have been so attracted to him lately. I mean I always am (almost always if we're being completely honest--love you, babe!), but now I see him in a different way. He is the father of my child, the son we have growing in my belly. WOW! I entered into our marriage believing that we would never be separated by anything, but now that we are having a child together it's like a physical representation of how we can never be separated. The two of us are becoming one person. Our life will always be bound together in that way and I think that is an incredible thing. Our love for each other will have arms and legs and call us his parents. We also got a few things for Amos. I heart Baby Gap. Plus I got a cardigan. I love a good cardigan! Then we spent several hours at Books a Million reading. It was a lovely day.

********************************

Today is a great day for lounging around in pjs and taking it easy. Conveniently, those are my exact plans! I hope you all have a fantastic Monday!

am i enough?

2011-02-25T08:31:00.000-06:00

Someone asked Matthew the other day what we'd talk about after the baby comes. Because in case it isn't obvious, that is all we talk about. Well, more so me than him. He has other things. Work. Writing his thesis. Books. A brain that can focus energy on something other than the baby. I don't have any of that. I mean I could. I could have other things, but it's the whole thing about my brain not being able to focus on anything other than baby stuff. I try to read books not related to the baby, but I find that all I want to do is pick up my copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding or some other pregnancy week by week book.

So that comment got me thinking. The only answer I can come up with is that after the baby comes we'll talk about the baby. What else will there be? So that got me thinking about whether or not I have become a one-dimensional, uninteresting person. Like have I entered into this all consuming vacuum of motherhood where my whole life revolves around my husband and my family. But then that made me think, but what if that isn't a sign of a shallow, one-dimensional person, but rather a person who has a singleness of heart and a focus and determination to be the best at the role God has blessed her with.

I just don't know.

I mean how am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to feel bad for only wanting to be a wife and a mother and being content to talk about things like laundry, what's for dinner, the latest outfit I bought for the baby, the color we decided to paint the nursery, how to remove poop from a cloth diaper, and other stuff like that? Or is that supposed to make me feel noble, like I am living out my calling and purpose in life?

Am I supposed to have other things? I mean I don't know what kinds of things, but if I'm supposed to have them to be a better person, then I guess I need to get them. I don't want to be flat. I want to have something interesting to talk about in conversation. But the dilemma is that I can't think of a thing in this world more interesting than my family. Is that wrong? I don't know, I'm honestly asking.

I want to be the best me that I can be. I guess my concern is that I don't know what that should look like. Is being the best me all about being an awesome wife and mom, or should there be another aspect to it? Like maybe wife, mom, Jessica. But isn't Jessica those two things? It's not separate is it? Or is it? Am I missing that key element of my person lately?

dear son...why we chose your name

2011-02-24T10:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Amos,

I wanted to tell you why we chose the name we did for you.

Matthew Amos

One of my very favorite movies of all time is Where the Heart Is. After Novalee's boyfriend runs off and leaves her at "the Walmart," she's walking around the store and runs into Moses Whitecotton. Moses is the Walmart photographer. He asks Novalee if she's thought of a name for her baby and she says "Wendi with an 'i'." Moses tells her "Don't you dare! Give that baby a name that means something."

That did it for me. That quote stuck with me. I knew that when I had children of my own I wanted to give them a name that meant something. I wanted you to have a meaningful story behind your name. Your father did too.

We wanted you for so long and tried for years to get pregnant, but as you know, we didn't. In the meantime, we had a lot of time to think and talk with friends about our situation. One day when we were staying with one of our very favorite couples, the Cortezes, we all went to Starbucks to talk over coffee. While there we started discussing baby names. Both sets of couples were dealing with their own infertility issues and we really didn't know if we'd ever even be able to use the names we were considering, but we were hopeful. After tossing around names that we all liked, we reached Amos. We all agreed immediately that that was the one.

Michael and your father started discussing the Amos from the Bible. We listened as they told how he was an ordinary guy who was called by God to prophesy to the people. He faced much opposition, but did what was right anyway. I loved it! We are ordinary people. You will be ordinary. I mean, you will be special that is for sure, but we are just average kind of folks. I disagree when people say you can be anything you want to be. I already believe that you will do great things, but I think we all need to be realistic and realize there are limitations in life. But that is another talk for another day.

The key thing to me was that Amos did what was right even when it was hard. That is what we want your story to be about. Life is hard sometimes. We have to make choices that are difficult and we face opposition, but we want to raise you to be the kind of person who will be okay standing strong in the face of all of that.

I don't particularly want you to fit in with the crowd. I want to raise you to be strong and independent and a free spirit who can stand alone. I want you to be the kind of person who the crowd wants to be like. I want you to be different, maybe even a little quirky or what some might consider strange. I want you to like your own kind of music and books and have your own hobbies and interests that might not be the standard of most kids your age. If you like those things that will be fine by me, but I want it to be because you truly like them and not because you want to fit in.

I think with a name like Amos you can be any kind of person. You can be smart or artistic or an athlete or musical or whatever. I love that we don't know anyone else named Amos, but that it's not so far out that people wonder what in the world we were thinking. I like that it's Biblical and old-fashioned. Your father and I always say that we want to raise an old-fashioned baby. We want to do things different from the way most people do things nowadays. We each have a family member who was named Amos several generations ago and we like that too. We didn't choose to name you after them, but it's nice that it is a family name.

As for Matthew, well that's your father's name, and there is no one else in this world I want you to be more like. He is the best kind of man there is. I talked to you about him before.

We pray every day for you. We pray that we can be the kind of parents to you that God wants us to be. We pray that we will make the right decisions so that we can raise you to have this kind of story that goes with your name.

We love you so much our sweet Matthew Amos.

turning my frown upside down

2011-02-21T09:10:00.002-06:00

Since that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day happened I've been taking it easy. Things didn't start out so good last week, but by the end of the week they had really started to perk up. My aunt came into town. I always love her visits. While she was here she showered the baby and me with gifts. That certainly made me feel better:) It helped me forget about the soreness and the stitches and the pain and the only soft food diet.

Matthew and my Uncle Bubba got the dresser from my pawpaw's house that will be used in the baby's room. I'm so excited. She also gave us a small, orange, kid-sized, wooden chair from my pawpaw's for the baby. When she was cleaning out some closets at his house she found several throws that my granny made. She gave me a beautiful, bright yellow one and a white one with red flowers. I can picture the baby on them. I love those kinds of old, sentimental things.

She gave me a new purse and wallet for the springtime! I love the colors. It makes me really ready for spring now! I can't figure out how to make the pictures bigger. Sorry.

from here

And the best part of all was all the things she gave us for the baby. She gave us blankets, bibs, shoes, socks, and enough outfits to last him from birth to 12 months! He is set! She got so many cute things from a boutique and Belk, but my absolute favorite are all the adorable things from Janie and Jack. He now has his very first bow tie and sports coat. Melt my heart! So precious!! It's like we've already had a baby shower!

In addition to all that (as if that weren't way more than enough) she gave us money to get the crib and everything we'll need to cloth diaper! Yes, we're going to cloth diaper. We can talk about the reasons for that later. Besides the obvious one of how stinkin' cute those cloth diapers are!

I cried when she gave us all of those things. One, because it's way nice and two, because we're really having a baby! It made it so real! We've bought a few things here and there for the baby, but we haven't spent a significant chunk of money. Now we have clothes for our son, and blankets, and bibs, and shoes! We're starting to get all the furniture that we'll need. We're really preparing a place for him. I can picture him in all those clothes. I can picture him in a little fuzzibunz cloth diaper! It's real! I am so happy!

I'm so glad she came when she did. It certainly turned a bad week into a great one. She can always do that. My mouth is still sore, but who can think about that when there are so many other happy things to think about?!?!

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

2011-02-16T21:11:00.000-06:00

After several days of unbearable pain I finally took some medicine. I have tried my very best to avoid medicine while pregnant, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I did take a 2-6 year old dose of children's Claritin when I had a sinus infection at Christmas. I felt so guilty that I didn't take it again though. Not that it even helped. But this time I had to give in. I took Tylenol for my toothache. It didn't help...at all.

Last night I stayed up all night crying and scouring the internet for some piece of something that would make me feel like it was okay to call the dentist and get help. I know I'm being overly protective and cautious. Even my obstetrician said it was no big deal at all to have dental procedures done, but still I felt like I needed to be strong. I had my phone in hand already on the number to the dentist at 7:59 this morning. When the clock struck 8:00 I dialed. I had prayed all night long that I would be able to get in immediately. God answered my prayer. At 9:45 this morning I was at the dentist, endodontist to be specific. I had to have an emergency root canal...or so I thought. The tooth couldn't be saved. I had to immediately have it extracted before infection got in my bloodstream and spread to the baby. Yeah. A visit to the oral surgeon later and I came home with one less tooth.

I am that pregnant lady.

The one that you hear the old wives' tales about.

Yep, that's me.

I can finally think that without crying. One because I am not in as much pain as I was earlier and two because it is what it is. I feel defeated. Not only did I have to take Tylenol, but I had to have major dental work done. I already didn't like my teeth. Now this. I'm trying to look ahead to my options after my mouth heals in a few weeks. Until then I'm the white trash, toothless, pregnant hillbilly. I'm not leaving my house.

I can't believe I'm putting this out there, but I feel better having gotten it off my chest. I'm disappointed. I guess in myself. Why couldn't my teeth be better? I should take better care of them. Why did my parents have to pass this unfortunate thing on to me? But what can you do? I've cried until my tears have run dry. Do you ever do that? It's tiring, but at least you can move on, you know?

It's all gonna be okay though. You see we don't have dental insurance and a root canal was gonna cost $915. We don't have that. Certainly not now when we are preparing for a baby. But I prayed all night and guess what we got this morning? Enough money to take care of it. I ended up not needing it because of the extraction being less expensive. But then there came the hysterical, frantic questions of how much would it cost to fix the gap. A lot. Trust me. A STINKING LOT. But you know what else? Covered. That's right. It's covered. God really takes care of me.

I'm blessed even if I am one tooth short of a full set.

a sweet day

2011-02-14T15:15:00.002-06:00

I like to think that every day is a special day so when

everyone else recognizes a day as special, I really want to do my part

to make it special!

I especially love to bake with my nephews on holidays.

They love helping in the kitchen. I think that is so sweet!

For Valentine's Day we decided to bake

strawberry cupcakes with strawberry icing and sprinkles!

YUM!

Matthew arranged his work schedule so he could be off today

to take part in all the love and fun! I love that he took off

today to be with us!

Brady is such a good helper in the kitchen!

While the cupcakes were baking we made our Valentine's bags to

put the cupcakes in.

Brady wrote a special message on each heart.

We obviously had to take a break to have our cupcakes before we could

set out on deliveries. The weather today is perfect so we ate

them outside on the picnic table! YAY for warmer weather!

I am so ready for spring!

I know God loves me because he sent me warm weather for my special

Valentine's gift from him:)

We all loaded up and drove around town to deliver our sweet treats to

all of our sweeties!

After lunch outside on the picnic table + swinging + jumping on the trampoline +

going for a walk + an overload of sugar, Brady is now enjoying a sweet sleep!

Guess what I got for Valentine's???

Anything in this package is gonna be good...am I right or am I right???

I got my word of the year necklace! It is perfect and I love it so much!

I love the man who got it (and roses and a sweet card) for me even more than that!

Happy Valentine's Day to all my lovely friends!

I hope it's been sweet!

on pregnancy and beauty

2011-02-11T06:40:00.009-06:00

I think pregnancy is absolutely beautiful!

Now that I am pregnant I feel more peaceful than I have ever felt in my life.

I don't know if it's the hormones or if it's that I feel like I am really living out what I believe is the

purpose for my life. This is all I've ever wanted. I have no desire to work outside the home.

I want to wake up and fix breakfast and clean and do laundry and watch cartoons and wipe

noses and greet my husband with a kiss every evening. I want to prepare delicious meals and be

crafty and go on play dates and have coffee in the middle of the day with friends.

And I feel completely liberated. I am a smart girl. I have a degree. I choose this life.

And that is the liberating thing...that we can choose. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who

supports me and encourages me. If I wanted to work he would support me in that. But I

absolutely don't! I keep my nephew as my job, but that goes right along with my desire to stay at home.

Back to the beauty part.

I have always been a fairly confident person. I struggle with issues like most, but not to

an extreme. I sometimes think I'd like to lose weight or that maybe I should exercise more, but

for the most part I am completely okay with me. I think it has everything to do with how much

I know my husband loves me and is attracted to me. Ladies, don't settle for less than that!

Anyway, since my belly has been growing I catch myself admiring my body in the mirror all the time!

I love it! I love the changes that are taking place all over my body!

I get to be a vessel that brings a new life into this world. My skin gets to stretch to accommodate

a growing and healthy baby. It's incredible!

happy valentine's mail!

2011-02-10T12:02:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here watching Alice In Wonderland with Brady while I enjoy a delicious piece of Bliss dark chocolate. My friend, Stephanie, always sends the sweetest packages and today was no exception! The mail lady knocked on our side door as I was in the kitchen fixing Brady a banana with peanut butter and singing "off with their heads, off with their heads" in a really high pitched voice. I bet the mail lady found that amusing. That and me in my pajamas at 11:30 when I answered the door!

Stephanie is one of the most thoughtful people I know. She is living the college life in Knoxville at the University of Tennessee. You can read all about her life here. She's really cool so I bet you'll enjoy it!

Our package was not only to Matthew and me, but to baby Crowe as well! How sweet! I love it!

Included in the package were yummy Bliss dark chocolates, Starbucks via packets (Matthew is going to L-O-V-E that!), 2 Dawson's Creek DVD sets that she borrowed from the Crowe home collection (see, not only is she thoughtful and sweet, but she returns your stuff), a super cute little mermaid Valentine's card that Brady loved, and a sweet handwritten heart note. But wait...that's not all. My favorite---her annual Valentine's Day mixed CD!!! WOOOHOOO!!! I always look forward to this! I think Brady and I will go for a ride in a minute so we can jam out. And who knows...maybe we have a package to drop by the post office ourselves...

Thanks Stephanie! You made my day!

dear baby, the day we found out you are a boy

2011-02-10T11:11:00.004-06:00

Dear Baby,

The day we found out you are a boy was the most anticipated doctor's appointment by everyone in our family! We invited your grandmothers, your aunts, your great aunt, your pawpaw, and your little cousin Brady to go with us. Your great aunt Cheryl couldn't come because of bad weather where she lives and your aunt Jennifer had a meeting at school that she couldn't miss. We thought about just your father and I going, but we knew our family really, really wanted to so we let them. Your grandmother thinks she's going in the delivery room, but as of right now I'm sorry to say that I just don't think so. Who knows, though. I may change my mind. The day I had to go in for my HSG test, I told her I would be fine without her going. Well, guess what? Your father and I got there and I started having a complete meltdown when I had to go to the desk to fill out outpatient procedure paperwork by myself for the first time in my entire life. I felt like I needed my mom. I cried for a good fifteen minutes until someone had to come get me to have the procedure done. I couldn't believe it actually. I'm fairly independent. I guess you never really get over needing your mom. Don't you forget that either;) I say all that to say that us inviting everyone was our concession to them not being allowed in the delivery room. Plus we really wanted them to share in that moment with us.

You are growing and I LOVE IT! Brady loves you too!

We drove three separate vehicles because your father and I wanted to go shopping for you all day afterwards, and your maw and paw were going to the hospital to check on one of your great aunts after surgery. We all made it to the waiting room. I had to go back by myself first for the usuals--weight, blood pressure, etc. And then the moment we'd all been waiting for...

We were called into the ultrasound room. I made our family wait outside in the hall until they got me situated so that my belly was not exposed for all to see. I'm modest. I don't want people seeing my parts. And they have to pull your pants down loooooow to get a good look at you on the screen. After I was covered, they all came in. The ultrasound lasted about 20 minutes. She showed us your bladder. It was full so that means you are already able to swallow and go to the bathroom. You also have kidneys now too. Your heart has four chambers. Your brain looked like it was going to be a sponge and you would grow up to be such a smart boy! At one point you lifted your hand as if to wave at all of us! We were tickled! We saw your feet and toes. It looks like you'll have your dad's big feet. We listened to your heartbeat. That is always music to our ears.

Then, she said she'd pull it up and pause it to see if we could all guess what you were. Immediately I saw it and thought boy, but didn't say anything. Your pawpaw said it looks like a boy. Then the ultrasound lady typed "it's a....(long pause as we all waited)....boy!" Your father and I teared up. Your father looked at me and he was beaming with pride! He was hoping for a son. Everyone else oohed and aahed and teared up too. Brady had been saying you were a boy the whole time so when she announced it he said I told y'all! Everyone laughed! Your father kissed me and I could tell how happy he was.

Everyone went back out to the waiting room while we met with the doctor afterwards. When we finished we all called and text messaged everyone and announced it on facebook. None of us could wait to share our happy news! Then your father, Brady, and I went to P F Changs for lunch. So yummy! We had a celebratory lunch and it was so much fun! Then we spent the rest of the day shopping and looking at stuff for you.

Celebrating you at P F Chang's.

YUMMY! Look at all that food! You have had quite an appetite lately;)

This is Brady showing his excitement for you! At least that's what he said!

I bought you an outfit that says mommy says I am the best baby ever. So cute! Your dad bought you one that says my dad is rad. He is too! You are going to love him so much! We also bought you four books--Are You My Mother, Mommy's Best Kisses, My Daddy and I, and Guess How Much I Love You.

We came home and your father read them all to you as we snuggled up in bed. We were so happy! It was one of the best days of our life!

My fortune cookie from that day.

our creative story

2011-02-08T22:02:00.003-06:00

"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here....we wake slowly to the world around us...we could easily believe life isn't staggering....at that moment, I felt the way I hope God feels when he writes the world, sitting over planets and placing tiny people in tiny wombs. If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in it with the sunset and rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as i have created you..."

found here

One of my favorite books is Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. If you haven't read it you really should. I mean it.

I love that particular quote.

I don't want to get robbed of the glory of life.

As I think ahead to sleepless nights and a baby crying when I have no idea what to do to soothe him. Or when Matthew and I are exhausted and become snappy with each other. Or when nursing is so difficult that it makes me cry. Or my body has changed so much that I don't know if I'll ever feel beautiful again. I want to remember how I got there.

I want to remember how much I longed for all of that. I long for it now. I mean I don't necessarily long for the bad things but I know that, like anything, the bad comes with the good. I am naive about many things when it comes to parenting and child-rearing, but I'm not so naive to believe that it won't be hard.

That's why I always want to remember how staggering it truly is that we are pregnant. I had stopped believing that it would ever happen and then it did. That is staggering!

I'm not a theologian and I have a lot to learn from the Bible, but I like to think that God wrote this story just for me. Just for Matthew and me. Just for our son. Just for our family. I know we have a free will, but I want to believe that God knew all along how our story would go.

I don't want to not remember how we got here. When we are in those more difficult times, I want to constantly remember just how staggering it all really is.

And I am going to wake up every day and enjoy my place in this story.

I'll admit that I prefer some parts of stories to others. I certainly prefer this part of mine to the infertility part. But you know what? It's those difficult pages in a story that we try to rush through so we can get to the good part. Then when we get to the good part, it is the difficult part that came right before that makes the good that much better!

It is a lovely thought to consider how much I matter to God. How much my little family matters to Him. We matter enough that He is giving us a great story to live.

I know that God creates life, but I think we can all agree that when two people come together and conceive a child, they are in some small way creating it as well. That is staggering! The fact that God has allowed us to create within His creative story.

I mean who am I? Who are we that we get to be so blessed?

I always want to remember that.